Disappointment

So about an hour ago... I learned that my dream job will not be mine. I am reminded that when God closes a door he opens a window, so I am not stressing about it... What is meant to be will be.

Let me bring you up to date... An organization which will remain nameless seemed to be extremely interested in what I had to offer. I had an excellent phone interview, and the follow up in person went pretty well. I have analyzed what I said, what I could have done to no end and the rejection came today.

Talk about bein deflated! The job was on the cutting edge of educational reform, and I am just reminded how far San Diego is behind the curve. This is home, but I had hoped to be able to bring some of that home one day. But alas, it won't be that reform and it won't be right now...

What do you bring to the table?

Last month at my local Urban League Young Professional meeting we had a speaker who had us take an honest assessment of who we were and it got me thinking about what Rhonda is good at. I urge you to do the same...In my own humble opinion, I think that we can be our worst critics. In 2006, I am committing myself to love me more and to give myself props (circa 1990's) even if no one else does. But in true me fashion I have to keep it real... the good and the bad

Rhonda is:
Spiritual-my religious background keeps me sane. Trust that if it hadn't been for God on multiple levels not only would I might not be here... there are a few people I know that would have been "Sleeping with the fishes."
Dedicated
Loyal
Blunt, meaning that I speak my mind
Caring-even when I am blunt I consider the feelings of another
Committed to the community- I hear people all the time talk about how down they are for the black race as if it is something that shouldn't be expected. I have learned to not judge people based on my own moral thermometer, but are you serious... when you won't go into the hood to help those who need you the most. Church shouldn't be the only time when you interact with people who look like you. Just because you are now making six figures... don't forget from whence you came... Perhaps you were born into money, does that exempt you from helping other arrive to where you are? I can see now that this warrants its own blog entry. So I will leave it at that.


Bad:
Sarcastic- Either you love me or hate me... there is rarely lukewarm
Short tempered- with kids I have a lot of patience... with people who are adults... it is short lived

That is pretty much it for my flaws... give me a minute... naw that's it. :)

Think about it truly. What are you doing to make sure that the world is a better place. If your not doing anything...

WHY?-Jadakiss

God Speaks...

This one you must maintain an open mind for...if your not ready then put off reading this message for another day. The purpose of this particular entry is to provide you with more questions than answers. It is my humble belief that you must begin to question where you are before you can move or change. Willful change occurs as a result of curiousity.

At now 28, I have come to the conclusion that one of the greatest challenges in my spiritual walk is my faith. The second comes from a song that we used to sing at my Christian elementary school that had a line in it that went like this..."and they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they will know we are Christians by our love." I worry every time I say a smart comment maybe slip up and curse every now and then about the face that the world sees. I know that if I profess to be a strong woman of God, all eyes are on me to truly be that. If I slip up, I have at times felt like I was an angel falling from grace and SOMETIMES there were people in my life that truly wanted that to happen... but I digress.

Before I get to the meat of this discussion, I want you to understand that I am not part of the bible toting far right. Not that I have a problem with the bible toting part but the closer I get in my Christian relationship the more I realize that I cannot judge. I will discuss my position on various issues from time to time on this blog, but the focus of today's message is truly faith.
What inspired this particular topic was my latest obsession which is the Left Behind Series by LaHaye and Jenkins. Currently on book four and it quenches the part of me that is all English teacher who enjoys a good read and a fictional interpretation of my favorite book in the Bible, Revelations.

Before I get started I have a few questions for you:

1. Do you believe that God still speaks to people? If your answer is yes, how does he do that?
2. Has he ever spoke to you? How did you know it was him?

Hollywood has many different interpretations of the deity known as God. And while some bear a closer resemblence to God, I urge you to find out for yourself. I accept hollywood as a means to spark someone's curiousity, but I often worry when people truly believe that the God described in movies is all there is. Nevertheless, let's take a quick look at some of the stories in the Bible where God clearly speaks and how it is done.

Genesis 3:8-19 This is the section of Genesis where the fall of man is described. I wish I had a better grasp for inserting links into what I am trying to accomplish, but I guess I have been sheltered thanks to AOL. What occurs in this particular passage is that Adam and Eve have eaten from the tree of life and have had their eyes open. God walks through the garden and is actually calling to them, asking them Where are you? Can you imagine God walking up to you and speaking to you? They are hiding because they now know that they are naked. God questions Adam and he immediately blames Eve, while Eve blames the serpent for her insurrection. Each of them is cursed into the existence that we call life today. Childbirth pains and having to work for a living being the most significant. In that brief moment things changed.

Later in Genesis we see several stories of God speaking. To Noah, who is called to create an Ark that will house himself, his immediate family and their spouses, as well as, 2 of EVERY kind of animal during the great flood. Abram in Gen. 12:2-3 I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. Later God renames Abram, Abraham which means exalted father. It is through the line of Abraham that Jesus comes. He comes through dreams, face to face meetings, and visions. He also sends people to speak to his intended recipient to get his point across. He continues to do this throughout the Bible.

In the new testament Jesus comes and speaks and when he departs from the earth we are left with the Holy Spirit who I believe to this day continues to speak.

This is where faith comes in. Have you ever heard that small voice that told you do something and once you did you were better off as a result? The difficulty is two fold, hearing the small voice maybe difficult if you aren't listening and the other is following the directions when they come even if it may not be comfortable. I can recall countless times in my life when I have had heard that voice and ignored it. Thinking to myself, I may have just misunderstood the message. As I type, I sit convicted knowing that I have an aunt that I was told to make amends with over a week ago and I have not yet done so.

For me, God has spoken at times as a result of prayer. But more often than not he has whispered to me when I wasn't looking for his guidance. That is the eerie part. Growing up in an extremely spiritual household very little for lack of better phrase, weirds me out. But nevertheless, I have been guilty of questioning myself which is normal but also I have been guilty questioning God. Are you sure about that?

Right now, I am trusting in God to make all of my footsteps firm. When he shows you a way out do it the first time. You may not have a second chance. I have learned above all else he wants what is best for me and if for some reason what I have begun to salivate over (a new car, clothes, homes, jobs, that fine brotha that said hello at the airport) is not for me I will learn to accept it and trust that he can work it out.

Love is...

As we get ready to prepare for Valentine's Day... I began to consider the meaning of love. What is it? Have I ever known it? Do I want to live without it? Think of the different types of love that we experience in our lifetime... significant other love, child's love, parental love, family love and the list could go on and on.

I think to all the songs that have been written about love. What it makes you feel... what life is like when it's gone... Hallmark and the like make a great deal off of the day that is supposed to show the world how much you love someone. Some prefer the traditional card and chocolates, others prefer theirs drenched in diamonds, still others simply need to hear the words I love you. To make it all worth it.

When I was in Elementary school, Ms. Giles my day care teacher made us memorize
1. Corinthians 13:4-8a. For those of you concerned with a separation between church and state, I attended Christian school so this wasn't some zealot teacher trying to change the world by sharing the word of God. When I sit and think of the people who I have cared about I often compare the biblical definition of love to what I experienced with that individual. Here is the passage for those who don't have Bible handy :)

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.

Can you imagine? Loving someone or knowing a love like that? It is what I call love perfectus. Hehe, okay so I don't have a degree in Latin. But essentially I am saying that the love described is PERFECT LOVE.

One of my readings today argued that it is not a feeling. In fact love is a committment. I didn't really see the difference initially, but then I started to think about it. I mean we have all had butterflies when we thought about that special someone, but love goes beyond that. It says, that I will be patient and kind. Now think about the last time your significant other pissed you off. He forgot your birthday, bought the ice cream he liked but you hated, or didn't notice the haircut you just spent 100 bucks on. Maybe, it was the fact that she bought tickets to see the Blueman Group the same night as the NBA playoffs, perhaps it was the fact that she used your razor when you know she has that one with aloe vera strip she could have used and didn't clean it out, it may have been the time that she tried to fix something broken and not only made the matter worse, but lost your favorite tool. Were you kind and patient then?

What about he envy, boasting, or proud part? Remember the check that your mom sent you to get you through the month, that he called you spoiled about? Remember your reaction when she told you she got a raise and thought that you would be happy for her, and you mumbled something like a congratulations? Where was the love?

Think back to all those relationships that you gave more than you received. Or the time when you dated someone based on their potential rather than what you really felt for them. You saw the dollar signs in the finance major. You peeked at that A+ credit and began to think about your dream house and a new car! Love is NOT self seeking. It is something that is shared. That means that it isn't about me.. it's about us.

Consider for a moment when someone ticked you off and you immediatly responded with a negative word or emotion. This was the person that you love. I think about how quick kids can tick you off. They make mistakes and they are new to them. They are learning. My nieces are pieces of work. The oldest is 4 going on 40 and she does some stuff that really irks me... but she is a child. I have to sometimes stop myself when getting ready to respond to something that she has done. Love is not easily angered... but as people sometimes we are.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. That's a good one! Remember that time when it was my birthday and you forgot to call. The time when I cooked for two hours expecting you home at 6 and you didn't come home until 930? Or the time when the kids were hoping that you would take them to the ball game but you said you were too tired... Too many times we say I forgive you but maintain a tally of failures. Remember that Dianna Ross Barbie doll that your sister stole the rhinestone earrings out of? Your favorite shirt that came back with a bleach stain? There is some truth to the belief that you must forgive and FORGET. Perhaps that originator of that knew the WORD.

It does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always hopes and always perseveres... LOVE NEVER fails...

To date, the only love I have known like this is God's love. If we are all made in his image I know that it is possible to know love like this from the man that God sends me. We are human and subject to short comings but I dream of the man that can be all that God wants him to be... and all that I need... to get by...

Again...

If I had to do it all again...
I wouldn't take away the rain
Cuz, I know it made me who I am
If I had to do it all again
I've learned so much from my mistakes
That's how I know he's watching me...

Looking Back at the Past

I start my morning off with a Bible devotion. Sometimes I am moved to look at specific passages and seek understanding to how they relate to me, and why God put them on my heart. I also go to a couple of different websites that provide quick devotionals and give me something to think about.

Today, I read one about Remembering the Past. I can recall a time when I used to dwell in that place of could've been. With recently learning that one of my first loves is now married, I think I can stop looking back over my should at what used to be. The devotion said to be wary of the the devil's schemes. How often do we look back and remember fondly situations that didn't quite go down like that. It's kind of like Frey's novel A Million Pieces that is getting people all outraged. We remember what we want to remember.

When I think back to my ex, Mike we were both really young (18). It was my first year away from home and I was doing my own thing. He was probably the most beautiful person I had ever known, outwardly. He was fine. Part of my own insecurities wondered how I got someone like him. I didn't even recognize my own beauty back then. While I am not going to post any pictures of myself on this blog, I am cute :) I have now become comfortable in my own skin. But Mike had his own issues and demons that he had to deal with. Growing up biracial sometimes I think he had to prove how down he was. With a black mom and a white dad I can't imagine some of the things that used to go through his head. I remember crying for him when he couldn't be all that I wanted him to be, for me, for us.

Looking back though, I was seeing it with rose colored glasses. What if? Ha, there was a time when I didn't speak to him for about 2 weeks or so. No real explanation... just a disconnect. There were the times when we were supposed to go out and he pretty much stood me up. He was who he was, and no one can walk all over you unless you allow them to. It wasn't that bad, but know that it wasn't great

Fast forward to 2003, the beginning of grad school. He has dropped out of college to be an engineer and now he is in the Marines. He comes within 120 miles of my house and so I have to go see him... see if any feelings are still there... check and see if he is worth it. He is in a different place, happy, outward displays of affection, the works and then I go home wondering if the one I love has finally come around! I start practicing signing my name to ish with his last name, all dumb stuff we do. Within a week, he is the same Mike. The chasm between us seeming larger than ever. He was in AZ on Marine business and couldn't talk to me as often as I would like. Instead of saying that, he would just say nothing. Let weeks, days, hours go by without anything. That had been the problem the first time around.

In an instant, I realized I didn't really know dude. Never had and probably never would. It is a shame... I wish him nothing but the best... I heard his wife is on crack! He grew up with drama and relished it. I do my best to address and issue and then let it go... he and I would have never worked out...

Man's rejection is God's protection...

How well do you ever really know someone?

Right now I have a class speaker who is providing my students with life skills... and it just got me to thinking.

I have a friend who I will call Derrick. Derrick seems to be in a loveless marriage. He says he feels as though he moved to fast. Keep in mind that he dated his wife for almost five years prior to their marriage. When he told me that, all I could say was word? I mean my pastor at church knew his wife for 6 weeks from meeting to marriage and they are still together after 30 plus years. I have always had this dream of the man of my dreams knocking me right off my feet. No worries, no past, nothing that would keep our love from being as pure as possible. He is this awesome man of God who understands my passion for the community and solving social ills and is ready to do what it takes to help to make the world a better place.

At 28, I am hopeful that he exists and that more importantly his is not someone in my past. I don't know that he isn't someone I am looking at right now, but I can't say.

If he is man that God has sent FOR me and only me... I don't think it will take five years to figure it out. I hope that he sees me and realizes that I am the blessing that he was destined to share dreams with, love without bounds, and build a family with.

Until that day... I wait.

Teaching ain't easy.

As you know I am a teacher. I take my job and my career extremely seriously. Children are variables and I guess we all are. I am extremely spiritual and intuitive and I can pick up on a lot of the pain of my students. Sometimes I let them know and other times I allow them to come to me. I teach high school and many of my students struggle with issues of sexuality. Girls come to me crying... how could he... he said... I can't believe... why me?

You can infer the meaning of where I am taking this...

The problem is that sex was never a problem for me in high school. I was focused on school and didn't really give boys that kind of power. I know how I was about just kissing someone... I was in LOVE. So what kind of warped mind would I have been with all of those emotions running rampant through me in high school if I made them more complex by bringing sex into the equation.

Fast forward to a student I will call Shaunie. Her mother is an alcoholic/past drug abuser/possibly current. She is the youngest of 4 children. She is her mother's only girl. Long story short she takes on a lot of what is going on at home because she feels that she has to. I am the child of an alcoholic but I thank God it wasn't my mother. However, my dad warped me enough for me to understand my issues with relationships :) But this isn't about me. Yesterday, I was setting up the classroom for a new seating chart.

Shaunie and another girl proceed to cuss a young man out and tell him to shut up. I told them both to shut up. I am trying to get something done here. Not the most grown up response but I was cramped for time and I am real sick of this kid dominating with her bullying ways. I realize that she is acting out, but when is enough, enough? She said, "Who are you talking to?" Her sidekick bowed out of the conversation, she knew better. But not Shaunie. I replied, "I am talking to you!" I raised my voice a little but still not yelling. In an instant I had already decided I was sending her to the office. She said, "Kick me out then just like you did Friday" That will be a whole other post later. I said, "Bye" oh about 5 times as she walked out my classroom she said "Whatever, your nothing to me." and in one split instant knowing that it would jab I said, "You've been nothing to me" and she walked out.

Teachers are people too. Five years into the game I have taken off my rose colored glasses and come to the conclusion that I will never reach all of the students I work with. At best, I will reach 50% and statistically that is not really in my favor. This morning, I had to say a prayer. One for forgiveness for my actions, and another one for Shauniee. I pray that God heals her pain, and gives her something positive to hold on to. She has already decided that sex may be a way out, but I pray that she stops on that road before something irreversable happens...

Who said teaching was easy?