Looking Back at the Past

I start my morning off with a Bible devotion. Sometimes I am moved to look at specific passages and seek understanding to how they relate to me, and why God put them on my heart. I also go to a couple of different websites that provide quick devotionals and give me something to think about.

Today, I read one about Remembering the Past. I can recall a time when I used to dwell in that place of could've been. With recently learning that one of my first loves is now married, I think I can stop looking back over my should at what used to be. The devotion said to be wary of the the devil's schemes. How often do we look back and remember fondly situations that didn't quite go down like that. It's kind of like Frey's novel A Million Pieces that is getting people all outraged. We remember what we want to remember.

When I think back to my ex, Mike we were both really young (18). It was my first year away from home and I was doing my own thing. He was probably the most beautiful person I had ever known, outwardly. He was fine. Part of my own insecurities wondered how I got someone like him. I didn't even recognize my own beauty back then. While I am not going to post any pictures of myself on this blog, I am cute :) I have now become comfortable in my own skin. But Mike had his own issues and demons that he had to deal with. Growing up biracial sometimes I think he had to prove how down he was. With a black mom and a white dad I can't imagine some of the things that used to go through his head. I remember crying for him when he couldn't be all that I wanted him to be, for me, for us.

Looking back though, I was seeing it with rose colored glasses. What if? Ha, there was a time when I didn't speak to him for about 2 weeks or so. No real explanation... just a disconnect. There were the times when we were supposed to go out and he pretty much stood me up. He was who he was, and no one can walk all over you unless you allow them to. It wasn't that bad, but know that it wasn't great

Fast forward to 2003, the beginning of grad school. He has dropped out of college to be an engineer and now he is in the Marines. He comes within 120 miles of my house and so I have to go see him... see if any feelings are still there... check and see if he is worth it. He is in a different place, happy, outward displays of affection, the works and then I go home wondering if the one I love has finally come around! I start practicing signing my name to ish with his last name, all dumb stuff we do. Within a week, he is the same Mike. The chasm between us seeming larger than ever. He was in AZ on Marine business and couldn't talk to me as often as I would like. Instead of saying that, he would just say nothing. Let weeks, days, hours go by without anything. That had been the problem the first time around.

In an instant, I realized I didn't really know dude. Never had and probably never would. It is a shame... I wish him nothing but the best... I heard his wife is on crack! He grew up with drama and relished it. I do my best to address and issue and then let it go... he and I would have never worked out...

Man's rejection is God's protection...