Thoughts of Marriage

WHY MEN MARRY...

People get married in the hope of improving their life. No one marries to sacrifice for the other person. People marry because somehow they believe it makes life better for themselves. Once you understand thisbasic rule, you can start to understand why a man wants to marry and why he doesn't. Start by taking a close look at yourself. How wouldyou make a man's life easier? Happier? Healthier? More fun? How would being married to you make me feel better about himself? How would itimprove how his family and friends see him? How would being married toyou improve his life? Allow him more fun in his life? Make a list. Be very honest. Will marrying you give him something he needs and wants -but doesn't have right now? Men only marry if they believe it will make their life better.

They do not marry because they want to sacrifice their pleasure or give up their joy for you. A man who sees marriage as burdensome, hard, upsetting, or painful ! will avoid marrying.It has little to do with love. A person may love you, but avoid marrying you (or anybody else) if they somehow believe life with youwill be difficult. For some men, single life just is better - and nothing will sway them. They may like women, but they don't need them.

Move on.

You can't change this type of man. A man must feel he is 'getting' something by marrying you - a feeling, a reward, a purpose,comfort, thrills, whatever. You have to learn how to push a man'spleasure buttons. If you can figure out what constitutes pleasure andmeaning to him, then you can begin to understand why he would marry.Is pleasure for him having a family? A beautiful wife other guys willenvy? A helper and emotional support? A best friend for life? Would helove not having to worry about cooking and cleaning? Does he need help financially? Does he need a woman to baby him? Be his partner? Help him straighten himself out? Is he looking for a woman to have a blast with or a woman to take care of?

Does he want a woman he has to work for and please?Years ago, men often married for ***. It didn't come so easily, and this motivated them. The prospect of unlimited *** propelled many a man into marrying. *** meant pleasure, which humans crave. Humans willput themselves in terrible - even dangerous - situations at theprospect of great pleasure. Today, men can have this without marrying. A woman must now understand the other reasons a man marries. Every manhas his own agenda. It is your job to figure out what the man you wantwants. As you begin to understand his needs, ask yourself if you canfill or even want to fill these needs. Be honest. If you see his needsdon't match what you are willing to give, say goodbye.

For him to give you what you want, he must get what he wants, and vice versa. If youcan meet his needs, hurray for you. But be careful: if you think itwill change after you marry, it won't. If you meet his needs no w, anddeny them later, you are in for trouble. Try to join forces with a manwho has needs you don't mind fulfilling.

Again:you must feel okay with filling the needs he has. If filling those needs doesn't feel right to you, say goodbye. To understand whatneeds you can fill, look at your relationships and roles among friendsand family. Are you a caretaker who enjoys being Mama to others? Thena man looking for a mother will suit you. Or are you used to beingpampered and adored in the family? Then you may want a man who islooking to take care of someone.

Are you a fascinating conversationalist full of ideas? Then you need a man who values andneeds intellectual stimulation and companionship. Do you enjoy working out, looking beautiful, dressing nicely? Then you may want a man who prides himself on having a beautiful woman by his side! Are you aperson who wants total togetherness or freedom? You see, nothing is inherently wrong with needs. We so quickly judge wh at a person needs,but rather than judging, we should acknowledge our own needs and our ability to fill another person's needs! . Here is another example. Are you a strong woman, full of opinions, and yet you consistently are drawn toward arrogant men who want a rather compliant women?
No wonderthey leave you.

Here is a mismatch of needs. Or are you a very bright,talkative woman who lives for good conversation, who is drawn to men who are not verbally oriented? Mismatch again. If you want a particular man, don't discount or judge his needs. Okay, so bugging you to grow your nails seems so, well, shallow. 'He should love me for me' you insist. Yes, yes, and there should be world peace. There are some realities we can't escape from. If he values nice nails, being ont ime, nylons with no runs, then either meet his needs or get out of the relationship.Those are your only two choices. If you refuse to meet his needs,eventually he will find someone who will. Nature abhors a vacuum.Humans will go only so long with their needs unmet. Once a lady withlong nails comes along, he will be gone. A person can't go against their internal coding system.

If you fight a lot with your boyfriend,it is no wonder he is weary to get married. Everywhere we look are divorce horror stories. No one knowingly wants to set themselves upfor a life of fighting, hassle and trouble. If you fight a lot, he will believe you are just not right for each other. "But" you say "we love each other. Every couple fights." You may understand that -- but he won't. Every time you fight, you are giving him the message thatbeing with you equals pain. He doesn't forget the fight as easily as you do.

Women don't take fights as seriously - we tend to look at thebig picture. For men, fighting is huge. If you fight with him,expect him to even! tually leave you. In meeting his needs, you haveto avoid what he considers pain. We have mentioned fighting, but itcould also be little thin gs you consider shallow or petty. Meet hispleasure needs. Men like pleasure. They like fun. They look to theirrelationship to give them a break from the rigors of work. They do notenter marriage because they expect life with you to be dull, rigid andfull of hard work.

They marry you because it seems like you would be a


total blast to spend their life with. Does he enjoy outdoor sports?Begin to enjoy them too.Or do you spend your time together doing the same old thing week afterweek? Wearing the same old clothes....complaining and whining aboutthe same old things. People like people who make their life fun, this goes for men and women. We like people who make us smile and laugh,who help us forget our troubles, who share our interests and passions.Life is hard enough without a relationship being hard too.

To conclude, begin to think of what you need in a relationship - and whatkind of a man has needs you are able and willing to fill. Ask yourself: Am I fun to be with? Am I difficult, critical, picky? Do I give my boyfriend pain or pleasure?....

So as I read this post that I received from my Sorority listserv, I began to think about the phases of marriage that I have gone through. Most girls, dream of the day that they will meet their soul mate, the person that completes them... hahaha and this is just a snapshot of what I envisioned.

Age 12-13, I don't want to get married. I want to have kids. Keep in mind "Look Who's Talking" had just recently come out and I saw how "Rebecca" from Cheers, held it down by herself. Of course there was a John Travolta waiting in the wings, but I wanted nothing more than to be an accountant, dress fly in power suits, and have some kids. Things change.

About ninth grade, I began to think about getting married right out of college. Beginning a family at 25, and being finished having my four kids by age 32. Guess what, I am 27 and not yet married.

When I was 23, my younger sister had her first child. I had a degree in education and was beginning my career. I saw the struggle that she had to endure, and realized that single motherhood is too hard. She has since had my second neice and been divorced from their father... she works like hell. I admire her... but I couldn't be her.

I read the post several times to make sure that I understood all that it said. I remember believing that I had to be this superwoman. My mom always said get your education, so that you don't have to depend on any man. Get yours, and while I agree with that statement, I think at times I may have been too strong. I can do it my self was my mantra, and it still is but there is a part of me that believes I shut many a man down because in the back of my mind there was a fear that it may not last long...and I would have to do it by myself.

For a long time, I was attracted to the pretty boy type... a part of me still is, but I need more than your good looks. Those looks fade, and when I say that I mean it figuratively. After looking at a pretty "rock" for so long it begins to lose it's shine. Especially, when that is all that the rock can do, is look pretty. I prefer brains, and a strong work ethic. I enjoy men who are committed to the community and building a future for not just themselves but others as well. The question that this post brings to mind... what am I willing to do for another person... when I learned that, I know that it will open the door to many more of the answers I seek.