Listening Hard for God....

I have become a busy person. I used to say that it was a good busy because I was helping to change the world, making a difference, but even that has begun to lose it's joy. As I did my devotion this morning I was reminded of a song that was sang at church a few years ago... I don't remember the name or even the entire song, except that it's premise was about God missing his time with you... Your so busy, doing God's work that you put him on the back burner. I started to wonder if that was who I had become. Surely not I? And two years later, I am happy to say I don't think that is me.

But I have become somewhat cynical, even more so these days. I am coming to a close on my not so detailed 5 year plan. Which means I am ready to move on. I am a classroom teacher, which I knew when I walked across that graduation stage, I had no intentions of being for 30 years. I have prided myself in having some sort of direction to my life plans even if things didn't always go my way. I have another degree under my belt and now I have the classroom experience to make the masters degree work in the realm of educational reform. When I tell you in November, I was in the words of Wanda from Living Color, "Red, to go!" Believe that. Over the last 28 years and 2 months :) I have had a decent relationship with God. Yes, there have been times that he and I have not seen eye to eye, but I have come to the realization that things move according to his plans... but he always plants a seed.

Yesterday, I had one of those let me listen to Gospel music on the way to work and cry my eyes out, before you pity me understand that with tears come clarity for me. I know all of the key scriptures... Ask and ye shall find... Cast your burdens... My yoke is easy... etc. A few weeks ago I got an ego blow in that I didn't get the job that really wanted. Get over it self! Right? Wrong. For a minute I wasn't able to let it go, but I have now. Over the last 5 months, what began as tweaking my resume has become a second unpaid gig. I spend at least one hour a day searching for different career opportunities. In all of my job research I have come to one startling conclusion, which I probably knew was coming... I am going back to school. I am still researching programs but I know what I am passionate about, and I know I am going but I have come to the two forks that Frost describes in "The Road Not Taken" nursing which is completely out of the box...(but a lucrative box nonetheless) or a Ph.D program with some sort of emphasis in Urban Education. As I watch the loan payment increase expotentially with a sigh.

Which brings me to the title of this entry... Listening Hard for God. I am always careful because I can get a head of myself as it pertains to God's vision of a specific situation. I want it... so I am sure that God wants it for me... not always the case. Today, I sit awaiting confirmation on so many different things in my life and I have wondered, if that has ever happened to you? My Mom used to always say...Study to be quiet. That was odd to me growing up... how do you study? But it is in quiet that peace comes and that God's plan for you is revealed. So now... I sit quietly... waiting

Friends... How many of us have them...

That's What Friends are For
And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remembered smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Well you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

As you know I love modern technology. From my cell phone to my sidekick to my laptop I am able to get in contact with the people I love at moments notice. I was checked by a Soror a few months ago who shared with me that we don't talk like we used to... I thought to myself what is she talking about? I talk to her dayum near every day! Via instant messenger.

But you know what? That is not the same as human interaction. She's right. In all the hustle and bustle of life... I forgot to call. Unfortunately, she isn't the only one that has experienced the digital me...and I am sittin here really considering friendship and all that it means to me.
When you are a friend of mine... it is usually for life. We have connected in some sort of way... for whatever reason... perhaps it was through school, work, a significant other, a relationship that should have been nothing more than friends to begin with, sorority, community events or just because. The unraveling of my friendships I have learned has been as a result of often times just simply losing touch.

This entry is dedicated to those who I have loved and continue to love and respect. I have learned that true friendship stands the test of time.

The elements for becoming a friend may have changed over the years. Elementary school, being who had the flyest Converse or Guess jeans. Junior High, who was the most down for whatever. High school, who can dance like me... better than me made you a friend...and we probably did a talent show or two. Then it was what can you do for me... you got a car the at we can ditch with... you must be cool people! College... first time a way from home, word your not from here either? These people in VA are crazy. Are you from New York? Tri-State Area? When I went to school in the Chi friends became... so you want to pledge?

As an adult my friendships have become shaped by people with common interest. So you teach also? Hmmm committed to community? Down for the cause? So can you dance? What church do you go to?

Despite the evolution of friendship criteria... one thing remains the same regardless if I talk to you every day, once a month, twice a year... it seems as though we can always pick up where we left off.

I have been blessed to have some of the most unique friends. There are those who due to time and loyalty have just always been there and I will ALWAYS be there for.

You know the friend that calls you just to say what's up and asks about the family? The one who rushed you to the hospital and stayed with you because you were scared to be alone. There are those who have seen the best and worst of you and despite that love you anyway. The ones who have seen you cry when the world thought that you were so strong. The friend that held your hair back while you "released" when you had kicked it too hard at the club. The one who drove your car to keep you from getting pulled over. The one who you covered for with her mom and she did the same for you. The one you cried with when she learned that she was pregnant and we were still in school. The one who never hesitates to tell you how proud she is of who you have become despite the fact that our lives have gone different directions. The one who was there to share wisdom when he broke your heart. The one that should have been the love of your life if you weren't so stubborn and he wasn't so slow. The ones who God brought into your life and forged a bond that nothing will ever break. The one who's wedding you cried in. The one that you laughed with. The one that you club hopped with like you were young again. The one that you shared your darkest secrets and your greatest dreams with. The one who messed up you hair but you loved anyway. The one who never left your dorm room because she didn't have a place to stay. The ones who made sure they were there when you walked across that stage, to cop that degree... B.A. and the M.A.

This is to each friend that I have known that has made a difference in my life... keep smiling... keep shining...

Hope...

"and hope doesn't disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. " Rom 5:5

Yes today is a new day, and although I am disappointed I can feel God's love surrounding me. This bible verse believe it or not just came to me and I had to google it because I couldn't remember exactly where I had heard it. Even as I type I am feeling regenerated. Despite the fact that every couple of words my computer appears to be freezing up. IF there are typos in this forgive the English teacher, as it was not my my intent.

Despite, everything GOD is still good. I have thought about the fact that I could have been less than honest during this process with everyone involved. From my principal to the organization that I interviewed with but in the end, if it is not where God wanted me to be... he wasn't going to let me go there. I thought that it was all so right, but I am reminded of the fact that God will never leave me or forsake me. New Haven, CT would have been uncharted territory and I believed that I was up for the task. Educational reform is my passion and t the heart of me I know that is where my life's work is going to be found. The job would have taken me out of the classroom and allowed me to work more with the policy side and finding people with the same passion for educating children of color that I have.

Regardless of what I am feeling right now... I know that God will work it out...

He hasn't let me down yet...

My negative feelings have subsided for the most part... I no longer hope the organization goes bankrupt or that fraud forces it to lose it's nonprofit status. I still haven't responded to the rejection email, but I will by the end of this week. I just need to be in the right mindset...

Be blessed.