Have you ever loved someone so much it makes YOU cry?

At 27, I think back to all the men that I have ever cared about and I have to say, that I have come a long way baby.

My first boyfriend was Brian Brown. I thought that he was the best thing since sliced bread. He was a 10th grader on the varsity bball team. He was easy to love, I remember how easy it was to love back then. We used to talk out of my bedroom window until my dad caught us and then it was back to our phone calls to each other immediately after school. He could make me laugh and smile. I am glad that I had the chance to know him and to have him in my life. God rest his soul because I found out last year, that he passed away in 2003. We had lost touch in 1995, and I had a premonition about this almost 10 years prior. I forgot all about that until I saw his mother at her job. I was speechless. What do you say? What can you say? I took one look at her and walked out the door.

There was Yusef, I thought he was all I would ever need. What a joke. I loved him at 11 years old again at 17, and dreamed of a future together at 22. Hahaha. Let's do a recap... I met him as a kid and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. His family left and he came back my senior year of high school. I thought, that it was meant to be... and back then he was fine. Time changes emotions and people. At 22, we reunited while I was in college and I thought that it had finally come full circle. He said, he thought I needed to lose weight. As a result I lost about 35lbs, so that was a good thing I suppose, but that was a stab at my ego. He had a chipped tooth and his ass stunk... but I was still trying to see that same cat that I was crazy about in 1995. Needless to say, I hear he is married. He was wack and I learned more about myself and I will never go down that road again.

Parker, lasted about 3 months. Not worth the keystrokes.

Roosevelt, I guess my first grown up boyfriend. I met him at 17 right before my 18th birthday. We lasted about 5 months. I became a colder chick as a result of that relationship. I began to lose trust in men, but I learned about myself that no one can walk all over you unless you lay down and let them. It was cool while it lasted, and as long as I had control, but when it ended I was cool. I exhaled.... ahhhhhh

Then there was Mike. It would take me 6 years to get you out of my system, but it is finally out. Mike was the epitome of a bad boy who wasn't supposed to be. Decent family, financially stable, IVY league bound and he blew it. He is a Marine now, and there was a time when I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. He was beautiful. He had a good heart, but a soul that was burdened. He locked me out and never really let me in. I wonder if I ever really knew him the way that I wanted to. He made me cry. He made me cry perhaps because he could never be what I needed him to be and that was perfect. He was who he was, and he never apologized for that. I wanted more for him and from him than he could ever give. Years later I tried to see if it was still there... if I felt anything for him... and vice versus. It didn't work out... When I think of him, I think of the SATC phrase that became so popular "Maybe he's not that into you." He hasn't returned an email in about a year, I think that is safe to say. Wherever, he is I just hope he is safe.

After Mike, there was Mack. Correction, during Mike there was Mack. Mack and I never went anywhere because he wasn't Mike. We became the best of friends and nothing more. I wonder what could have happened to us, if I had met Mack first. He was a beautiful soul. He was an english major, poetry writing, puffing, station wagon driving kind of guy. I smile even as I write this, because to him, I was beautiful as is. No changes... my hair was perfect even when it was cut by Keisha from my dorm and I hid out for 3 days because I hated it. I was blessed to have had my soul touched by his.

Kamaal, I butted heads with. Battled about everything, but he was special nontheless. He's married now, doing his thing in ATL and I am proud of him. I never thought he would be the one I would marry... Like I said it took me a minute to get Mike out of my system, but Kamaal was special... is special to me.

Chris, husband potential except for the religion thing. There was Mike and Kamaal, both Muslim and were me in a different place in my life, but if you don't have God... I don't know what else to say. I could love him, but given where I am in my spiritual walk... I couldn't see it lasting or even really beginning for that matter. I have known him for over 10 years, I enjoy his company and his sense of humor as well as his mind, but the agnostic part I can't dig it.

Bobby, my twin soul. Too much alike to ever be more than friends. I will always love him for what he brought to my life at a time when I wasn't even REMOTELY trying to let anyone in. He is a wonderful man, and I am proud of him doing his thing in DC. I would expect nothing less from him, and look forward to his continued success.

Everyone else has been a cha-cha. No one that I would want to build a family with. Despite that, each relationship has helped shape me into the person who I am today. I think Faith sang it best "If I had to do it all again... I wouldn't take away the rain cause I know it made me who I am" The rain and the sunshine was all worth it. Now, I can say that I have loved and been loved by some of the most unique individuals I have ever met... I will love again, someday, and because of these men... I will know how to love him when he comes

Thoughts of Marriage

WHY MEN MARRY...

People get married in the hope of improving their life. No one marries to sacrifice for the other person. People marry because somehow they believe it makes life better for themselves. Once you understand thisbasic rule, you can start to understand why a man wants to marry and why he doesn't. Start by taking a close look at yourself. How wouldyou make a man's life easier? Happier? Healthier? More fun? How would being married to you make me feel better about himself? How would itimprove how his family and friends see him? How would being married toyou improve his life? Allow him more fun in his life? Make a list. Be very honest. Will marrying you give him something he needs and wants -but doesn't have right now? Men only marry if they believe it will make their life better.

They do not marry because they want to sacrifice their pleasure or give up their joy for you. A man who sees marriage as burdensome, hard, upsetting, or painful ! will avoid marrying.It has little to do with love. A person may love you, but avoid marrying you (or anybody else) if they somehow believe life with youwill be difficult. For some men, single life just is better - and nothing will sway them. They may like women, but they don't need them.

Move on.

You can't change this type of man. A man must feel he is 'getting' something by marrying you - a feeling, a reward, a purpose,comfort, thrills, whatever. You have to learn how to push a man'spleasure buttons. If you can figure out what constitutes pleasure andmeaning to him, then you can begin to understand why he would marry.Is pleasure for him having a family? A beautiful wife other guys willenvy? A helper and emotional support? A best friend for life? Would helove not having to worry about cooking and cleaning? Does he need help financially? Does he need a woman to baby him? Be his partner? Help him straighten himself out? Is he looking for a woman to have a blast with or a woman to take care of?

Does he want a woman he has to work for and please?Years ago, men often married for ***. It didn't come so easily, and this motivated them. The prospect of unlimited *** propelled many a man into marrying. *** meant pleasure, which humans crave. Humans willput themselves in terrible - even dangerous - situations at theprospect of great pleasure. Today, men can have this without marrying. A woman must now understand the other reasons a man marries. Every manhas his own agenda. It is your job to figure out what the man you wantwants. As you begin to understand his needs, ask yourself if you canfill or even want to fill these needs. Be honest. If you see his needsdon't match what you are willing to give, say goodbye.

For him to give you what you want, he must get what he wants, and vice versa. If youcan meet his needs, hurray for you. But be careful: if you think itwill change after you marry, it won't. If you meet his needs no w, anddeny them later, you are in for trouble. Try to join forces with a manwho has needs you don't mind fulfilling.

Again:you must feel okay with filling the needs he has. If filling those needs doesn't feel right to you, say goodbye. To understand whatneeds you can fill, look at your relationships and roles among friendsand family. Are you a caretaker who enjoys being Mama to others? Thena man looking for a mother will suit you. Or are you used to beingpampered and adored in the family? Then you may want a man who islooking to take care of someone.

Are you a fascinating conversationalist full of ideas? Then you need a man who values andneeds intellectual stimulation and companionship. Do you enjoy working out, looking beautiful, dressing nicely? Then you may want a man who prides himself on having a beautiful woman by his side! Are you aperson who wants total togetherness or freedom? You see, nothing is inherently wrong with needs. We so quickly judge wh at a person needs,but rather than judging, we should acknowledge our own needs and our ability to fill another person's needs! . Here is another example. Are you a strong woman, full of opinions, and yet you consistently are drawn toward arrogant men who want a rather compliant women?
No wonderthey leave you.

Here is a mismatch of needs. Or are you a very bright,talkative woman who lives for good conversation, who is drawn to men who are not verbally oriented? Mismatch again. If you want a particular man, don't discount or judge his needs. Okay, so bugging you to grow your nails seems so, well, shallow. 'He should love me for me' you insist. Yes, yes, and there should be world peace. There are some realities we can't escape from. If he values nice nails, being ont ime, nylons with no runs, then either meet his needs or get out of the relationship.Those are your only two choices. If you refuse to meet his needs,eventually he will find someone who will. Nature abhors a vacuum.Humans will go only so long with their needs unmet. Once a lady withlong nails comes along, he will be gone. A person can't go against their internal coding system.

If you fight a lot with your boyfriend,it is no wonder he is weary to get married. Everywhere we look are divorce horror stories. No one knowingly wants to set themselves upfor a life of fighting, hassle and trouble. If you fight a lot, he will believe you are just not right for each other. "But" you say "we love each other. Every couple fights." You may understand that -- but he won't. Every time you fight, you are giving him the message thatbeing with you equals pain. He doesn't forget the fight as easily as you do.

Women don't take fights as seriously - we tend to look at thebig picture. For men, fighting is huge. If you fight with him,expect him to even! tually leave you. In meeting his needs, you haveto avoid what he considers pain. We have mentioned fighting, but itcould also be little thin gs you consider shallow or petty. Meet hispleasure needs. Men like pleasure. They like fun. They look to theirrelationship to give them a break from the rigors of work. They do notenter marriage because they expect life with you to be dull, rigid andfull of hard work.

They marry you because it seems like you would be a


total blast to spend their life with. Does he enjoy outdoor sports?Begin to enjoy them too.Or do you spend your time together doing the same old thing week afterweek? Wearing the same old clothes....complaining and whining aboutthe same old things. People like people who make their life fun, this goes for men and women. We like people who make us smile and laugh,who help us forget our troubles, who share our interests and passions.Life is hard enough without a relationship being hard too.

To conclude, begin to think of what you need in a relationship - and whatkind of a man has needs you are able and willing to fill. Ask yourself: Am I fun to be with? Am I difficult, critical, picky? Do I give my boyfriend pain or pleasure?....

So as I read this post that I received from my Sorority listserv, I began to think about the phases of marriage that I have gone through. Most girls, dream of the day that they will meet their soul mate, the person that completes them... hahaha and this is just a snapshot of what I envisioned.

Age 12-13, I don't want to get married. I want to have kids. Keep in mind "Look Who's Talking" had just recently come out and I saw how "Rebecca" from Cheers, held it down by herself. Of course there was a John Travolta waiting in the wings, but I wanted nothing more than to be an accountant, dress fly in power suits, and have some kids. Things change.

About ninth grade, I began to think about getting married right out of college. Beginning a family at 25, and being finished having my four kids by age 32. Guess what, I am 27 and not yet married.

When I was 23, my younger sister had her first child. I had a degree in education and was beginning my career. I saw the struggle that she had to endure, and realized that single motherhood is too hard. She has since had my second neice and been divorced from their father... she works like hell. I admire her... but I couldn't be her.

I read the post several times to make sure that I understood all that it said. I remember believing that I had to be this superwoman. My mom always said get your education, so that you don't have to depend on any man. Get yours, and while I agree with that statement, I think at times I may have been too strong. I can do it my self was my mantra, and it still is but there is a part of me that believes I shut many a man down because in the back of my mind there was a fear that it may not last long...and I would have to do it by myself.

For a long time, I was attracted to the pretty boy type... a part of me still is, but I need more than your good looks. Those looks fade, and when I say that I mean it figuratively. After looking at a pretty "rock" for so long it begins to lose it's shine. Especially, when that is all that the rock can do, is look pretty. I prefer brains, and a strong work ethic. I enjoy men who are committed to the community and building a future for not just themselves but others as well. The question that this post brings to mind... what am I willing to do for another person... when I learned that, I know that it will open the door to many more of the answers I seek.

Just the Beginning

This is where I can allow my voice to shine through. Thank you for checking out my blog. My hope is that in some small way this will have an impact on who you are, and what you want to accomplish in the world.

Peace and blessings,

Understand?