Confessions of the Outspoken and Underpaid

She's Baaaaack

2007-04-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

It has been quite some time since my last post. I think that I had distanced myself from my blog because of all the baggage that came from those last few entries. That matter still remains unresolved but the information is crucial and I will leave it on here as long as I have the power to do so.

I am in a different place PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY and SPIRITUALLY. I have been given another chance at life and I will NOT take it for granted. I realize that the blessings that GOD has in store for me are just breaking through the surface. I have quite a lot on my THINGS to DO LIST and with GOD... if it is his will, it will all come to pass.

R.

It's not MOLD...It's an 80's throw back...

2006-08-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

Remember, acid washed (streaks of bleach) and galactic wash(looked like stars)... that is what I did to anything LEATHER, CANVAS or any BREATHEABLE ITEM! According to my friends at MARBRISAS, MOLD IS NOT AN ISSUE

Close your eyes...

2006-08-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

NO REALLY, I BOUGHT IT LIKE THIS...according to Marbrisas mold is NOT a problem, but that is why on the second lease I signed you added a mold addendum...

Thanks for nothing Jack.... MARBRISAS EARLY TERMINATION

2006-08-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

EARLY TERMINATION AGREEMENT

WHEREAS, XXXXXXXXXXXX, AND ALL UNNAMED OCCUPANTS (“Occupants”) retain possession of the premises located at 1250 Paseo Magda, Apartment No. 711, Chula Vista, California 91910 (“Subject Premises”), which is part of an apartment community known as MARBRISAS APARTMENTS (“MARBRISAS”);
WHEREAS, OCCUPANTS contend that there is moisture intrusion, mold and/or mildew at the premises, and have alleged inconvenience, property damage;
WHEREAS, MARBRISAS contends that there is no visible water intrusion, mold and/or mildew at the premises; the only discoloration being from OCCUPANTS failure to properly maintain the premises;
WHEREAS, OCCUPANTS have requested an early termination of the lease agreement for the above Subject Premises with no accompanying fees;
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the following, the parties hereby agree to resolve this matter informally without any admission of fault or wrongdoing:
MARBRISAS hereby authorizes the early termination of the lease agreement.
OCCUPANTS hereby agree to vacate the Subject Premises on or before August 11, 2006. OCCUPANTS hereby agree to pay rent until MARBRISAS obtains possession of the Subject Premises in accordance with the terms of the Lease Agreement, which, subject to the provisions of this Agreement, remains valid and in full force. OCCUPANTS shall be returned any overpayment of rent. OCCUPANTS shall be returned their security deposit in accordance with statute.
OCCUPANTS on behalf of themselves and their heirs, successors, executors, agents, attorneys and assigns hereby releases and forever discharges MARBRISAS, its past and present parent(s), subsidiary(ies) and affiliated entity(ies), and the officers, directors, principals, employees, attorneys, insurers and agents of each of them, including all heirs, successors or assigns, from any and all liability for claims known or unknown. Except as expressly stated otherwise in this paragraph, this release includes any and all claims, rights, demands, and causes of action of any and every kind, known or unknown, including, without limitation, breach of contract (express or implied), breach of the covenant of good faith and fair dealing, intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress, negligence, retaliation, any tort, personal injury, property damage or any violation of public policy or statute which OCCUPANTS may now have, or has ever had, including, but not limited to, slip & fall incident, property damage, inconvenience, and exposure to mold, moisture, mildew and/or any other substances at the Subject Premises.
OCCUPANTS acknowledge that they are aware of and familiar with the provisions of California Civil Code section 1542, which provides as follows:
"1542. CERTAIN CLAIMS NOT AFFECTED BY GENERAL
RELEASE. A GENERAL RELEASE DOES NOT EXTEND TO
CLAIMS WHICH THE CREDITOR DOES NOT KNOW OR
SUSPECT TO EXIST IN HIS FAVOR AT THE TIME OF
EXECUTING THE RELEASE, WHICH IF KNOWN BY HIM
MUST HAVE MATERIALLY AFFECTED HIS SETTLEMENT
WITH THE DEBTOR."

OCCUPANTS, being aware of said Code section, hereby expressly waive any rights they may have thereunder, as well as under any statutes or legal principles of similar effect.
The parties to this Agreement agree that this Agreement supersedes any prior oral or written agreements regarding the subject matter of this Agreement and further acknowledge that no representations, inducements, promises, or agreements have been made by or on behalf of any party, except those covenants and agreements embodied in this written Agreement. No agreement, statement, or promise that is not contained in this written Agreement shall be valid or binding.
This Release Agreement shall be construed in accordance with, and governed by, the laws of the State of California. If any term, provision, covenant, or condition of this Agreement shall be held by a court of competent jurisdiction to be invalid, void, or unenforceable, such decision shall not affect the validity of any remaining portion.
OCCUPANTS REPRESENT THAT THEY HAVE BEEN PROVIDED THE OPPORTUNITY TO DISCUSS ALL ASPECTS OF THIS AGREEMENT WITH AN ATTORNEY, THAT THEY FULLY UNDERSTANDS ALL OF ITS PROVISIONS, AND THAT THEY ARE VOLUNTARILY ENTERING INTO THIS AGREEMENT WITH THE FULL KNOWLEDGE OF ITS LEGAL SIGNIFICANCE AND WITH THE INTENT TO BE LEGALLY BOUND BY ITS TERMS.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, this Agreement is executed on the date set forth below.

DATE:
XXXXXXXX

DATE:
XXXXXXXX

DATE:
XXXXXXXX
DATE:
MARBRISAS APARTMENTS

What amazes me most about all that has occured is that this would have been done weeks ago. My mom would not have had to endure the stress that she has gone through, and right now she would be resting with her grandchildren. Lennon's quote is something I use often, "Life is what happens when you are planning for something else"

I received this today via email from the Marbrisas attorneys, right after Mr. Maintenance tried to access the premises. Wow, I mean, I am sitting on two degrees and preparing for pursuit of a third, but something just doesn't smell right and it's NOT the mold infested apartment.

WHEREAS, MARBRISAS contends that there is no visible water intrusion, mold and/or mildew at the premises; the only discoloration being from OCCUPANTS failure to properly maintain the premises;

So I get it, the moldy clothes, shoes and purses are from not properly maintaing the property. REALLY? That is news to me! Why are you so insistent now about getting me out of this apartment? Please note that the date is TODAY. The rent has been paid through August 30, 2006? So what is the rush all of a sudden. Ah, that's right you are going to paint, make the place smell good and allow the next chump to come in here unaware. THANK YOU MARBRISAS... THANK YOU KARSAZ and ASSOCIATES, but a special thanks goes to my slum lords CALSTRS

Marbrisas 711, This is how they FIX the problem

2006-08-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Remember, I said that maintenance attempted to key into the apartment, just 30 minutes after I refused to sign the early termination form? Their previous response to mold has just been to spray bleach and paint, these pictures are from the room where my 5 year old and 2 year old neices could no longer sleep because of the overpowering smell of mold. This is what it looks like! The mold beneath this was black after we moved and threw away the dresser that had been found in front of it.

I am not a scientist, nor do I profess to be one, but is bleach and spray paint supposed to END the problem?

Marbrisas 711 Mold in the BED FRAME

2006-08-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

When we moved the matresses out of my mother's bedroom the wall below was the first thing we noticed, however, mold was even in her bedframe!

Seeing is Believing

2006-08-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

The first picture is the wall that maintenance was coming to spray. The one that the lawyers stated had no mold, but was happy to give me an early termination.

Marbrisas # 711

2006-08-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

I need to say this, Yesterday August 10, I received a phone call from Dan Yampolski, Esq stating that they would offer me the remaining money from August rent and an early termination based on their investigation. He specifically stated that there was no mold. So why the new offer of an early termination. You see GOD brings things to light...My mother sits in a hospital

I go to view the documents at the leasing office and am told that I cannot remove them from the office. They require 3 signatures of the lease holders, me, my mother, and my sister. I refuse to sign the documents. 30 minutes later maintenance keys into the apartment stating that they are here to "SPRAY" the wall...THE WALL THAT THEY CLAIM DOES NOT HAVE MOLD I refused him entrance, called the police, but because no crime had been committed (despite this being a FEEBLE attempt at cover up)I am sitting here with a dead bolt on the door.

Below is a letter that details my struggle and that of my family:
Dear Fellow Educators:

My name is Rhonda XXXXX and for the last four years, I have been an employee of the San Diego Unified School District. The purpose of this letter is simple, to inform you of the negligence and blatant disregard that has been displayed by my apartment management company, their attorneys and CALSTRS the property owners. Their lack of concern regarding the health and safety of my family is appalling and I want to bring attention to what has occurred and what I have had to endure as a result.

Earlier this week a FOX6 newscast unveiled the problem of mold in a San Ysidro subsidized housing complex. Although, I am living in the Marbrisas complex of Chula Vista and paying in excess of $1700 in rent each month, my problem is the same. My family consisting of my mother, my sister, my niece, and myself relocated to Marbrisas in April of 2004, because my mother had suffered a heart attack in December of 2003, and could no longer walk the stairs of our former apartment. Another niece was born in August of 2004, and also resided in the home. Marbrisas was a beautiful community, or so we believed located in East Chula Vista, and part of the Rancho Del Rey housing community. We were happy, but that happiness would be short -lived. Mold was first found in the apartment in December of 2004, around the windows and walls in bedrooms 2 and 3. We immediately contacted maintenance to address the issue. Their response was to simply wipe the surfaces with bleach and spray paint over the mold. Had this been successful, I would not be writing you today.

Our initial lease ended on June 30, 2005 and we became month to month tenants paying more than $1700 per month. As a school teacher for San Diego City Schools, I had made an effort to look into housing alternatives including home buying. I needed the flexibility to leave easily should the opportunity of buying a home present itself. In late November 2005, we were informed that we were unable to continue our status of being month to month tenants, and must lock into a lease. With great reluctance we signed the minimal lease with an ending date of July 31, 2006. On the new lease we noted the existence of a mold issue on the leasing forms. Again, this was another effort to bring attention to this issue.

During the time between the lease renewal and the end date, mold has been found in all three bedrooms, the dining area, and the living room. The material possessions destroyed are too numerous to list here. Understanding, that possessions are temporal, the risks that my family has been exposed to are numerous. As of July 31, we believed our nightmare would be over. However, that was not to be the case. I had secured a new job and relocated on July 12, 2006 to Chicago. My sister and mother had planned to relocate to Tennessee for a new beginning. Chula Vista is my home town, but it was time to move on.

We attempted to give notice on July 1, 2006. Several days passed and my mother contacted the leasing office as to the status of our move out. On July 8, we were told that we would have to file a claim form and that this was a matter for Marbrisas’ attorney, Karsaz and Associates, as we were attempting to terminate our lease early. Correspondence from the law firm arrived on July 14, stating that we were to provide them documentation as to why they should allow us to terminate the lease ending on July 31, with no penalties. We immediately drew up a response detailing our Marbrisas experience and submitted it for review on July 18, 2006.
Daily, both my mother from here in Chula Vista, and I from Chicago, called to learn the status of our official move out date. Moving is a stressful experience and this added to the normal stress associated with it.

The original plan was that my sister and mother would leave together bound for Tennessee. My oldest niece is beginning kindergarten this year and school begins August 14, 2006. As you can imagine time was of the essence. My sister departed Chula Vista on July 25, 2006 with her children so that she could register her eldest daughter in school. My mother remained behind to tie up loose ends. Still we awaited word from Karsaz and Associates. My mother was running against a clock and remained unaware of the timeline that she was up against. The worries associated with paying both a rent in Tennessee and one in Chula Vista caused a great deal of stress. My mother had placed the bulk of the household items in storage. She knew that she must vacate the premises and if she were forced to pay another month’s rent, she would not be able to afford the move of her possessions to Tennessee. As the movers removed items in the house mold was uncovered on her bedroom wall. Prior to this mold was found in her closet and had destroyed vast amounts of clothing, shoes, and accessories. It is most brutal to leather and wool. There is not one room in apartment 711, that has not been touched by mold. I returned on July 30, due to what I perceived as my mother’s declining health. I attempted to put things into order, again racing against a clock and not being aware of what the final out come would be.

We called the leasing office regularly and they had simply ceased returning our phone calls. On August 1, I contacted the leasing office to find out the status of our move out and learned from Shannon Boyd that she had not heard anything regarding our situation. I found that response odd because Steve of maintenance had attempted to key into the apartment just minutes prior stating that he believed our move out date was July 31, 2006. Her response, “I don’t know why Steve did that!” After checking my mail box on August 1, 2006 a letter dated July 28, 2006 from Karsaz and Associates denied our request. The letter stated that they had done an investigation into the matter and that these were their findings. Other than the initial claim form and the subsequent letter from us, to date I am unsure as to what this investigation entailed. Due to the stress associated with the move, my mother has been hospitalized since August 2, 2006.

Our material possessions are destroyed. As I attempted to move items on Sunday, August 6, 2006, I uncovered mold on furniture that was I was previously unaware of. Any item, including that which is held in storage cannot be taken to either my new home, or that of my family due to the exposure of the mold. If we took these items, mold would breed there as well.

I began to research the owners of the property in an effort to begin some sort of resolution regarding the situation. I was shocked to learn that the California Teacher’s Retirement System, (CALSTRS), is the owner of the property. The entity that holds my own retirement benefits is in fact my slumlord. I have spoken with Amy Lassers of Black Rock Investments, who contacted me on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 to begin her own investigation. Asking questions such as, do you know where the mold is coming from? What do you think is happening? At my urging, she contacted Marbrisas management and they came into the premises to assess the damage. Damage that they had been made aware of previously and cared nothing about. The treatment that I have received from all parties involved is completely unacceptable.

Consider for a moment, if you were in my shoes? What would you do? I needed to share this with those that I believe can make a difference. I have contacted my local congressman, Bob Filner, via email and by telephone. I have emailed Mr.Wambach and Ms. Lassers of Black Rock Investments and received no response. I have left messages with Ms. Lassers to no avail. On August 10, 2006 Jim Hurley of CALSTRS, contacted me in an effort to find a resolution. I was contacted after business hours by a Dan Yampolski, of Karsaz and Associates, now offering to “let me out of the lease” and give back the “overpayment” or what is left of the $1875, they received for August rent. This appears to be a time game, and that is the one thing that for me is not in abundance. My life is no longer in Chula Vista.

Any assistance you can provide would be greatly appreciated. What concerns me the most is that CALSTRS is the entity behind all of this. It made me realize that there is so much about my retirement plan and their practices that I am not aware of. I know that we cannot possibly be the only people that have had to endure this mold problem here in Marbrisas. Mr. John Greene a former neighbor likewise had an issue with mold while living in Marbrisas. Given the severity of the mold issue I am highly doubtful that this is an isolated incident. Had I been made aware prior to move in, I would have opted for a different apartment complex. The voicemail welcomes you to a beautiful, serene, housing atmosphere, 15 minutes SE from downtown, close to entertainment and all that you could ever want. It sounds almost dreamlike. However, for my family, it has been nothing short of a nightmare.

And someone must be held accountable for it.

Nothing New Under the Sun

2006-08-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

As I was reading the Book of Nehemiah and re-learning all that had occured in his time. A thought came to me. Throughout the Old Testament we see the Jews asking for help and once receiving that help from God, sometimes being angry with God, and eventually turning back to their own ways. So I am going to take a look at that today, as something to think about.

1. Asking for help. While in quagmire that we often call life there are times when we realize that there is nothing that WE alone can do. We call on God. We cry, we mope, we pray and maybe we even ask others to pray for our circumstances. Perhaps, we go to church for an EXTRA prayer, or maybe we go to that family member who is known to get prayers through. Yet, and still sometimes its just us, in all of emptiness that once we have taken all that we can we simply call on the name of Jesus. We are so drained. We humbly pray. We hope that God will see our circumstances and move SWIFTLY! And then it comes...

2. The frustration or anger. Perhaps, you are praying to make ends meet and it doesn't seem like God heard a word you said. The pockets still low. Bills due and you don't see any way of escape. Sound familiar? God not answering your prayer on YOUR time is nothing new. Know that he is working it out in spite of what it appears. But it doesn't matter, you don't see it. He must not love you. His word must not be true. I cried, I prayed...what else can I do?

3. Deliverance. How sweet it is for you to be in God's good graces. You smile, you have a new skip in your step, you sing, you may have a new dance! God heard your cry and blessed you in the midst of your troubles. You had to testify! Share it with the world! They need to know your story. To him, all praises are due. Thank you Jesus you shout from the highest moutain top. Amen, and amen. You will tithe better, be a better Christian, join a ministry because he deserves all the praise... and eventually...

4. You return to your OLD ways. I mean, God knows my heart, if I smoke this or begin relations with this person he will see me through. I mean, my money is funny I can't write those big checks every Sunday. He knows my heart. I don't feel like going to Usher Board meetings, Sunday School teacher meeting, Choir rehearsal... I need a life. I am tired! Hitting the club, having a few Zombies won't hurt. I mean they drank wine all the time in the Bible, even the priests...

Do you see the parrallels? I used to wonder to myself, how is it that the Jews got into all the problems that plagued them? They are God's chosen people. Undoubtedly, they would be in situation, God would bring them out, they would praise him for awhile. Awhile, may have been hours, days, and even generations. No doubt, they would eventually mess it up!

I used to think if God had been there to walk with me I know I would be alright. He comes talking to me in a fiery bush? Allows me to see the back of him as he walks by? Wrestles with me next to a river? Brings me out of captivity? Does not allow famine to destroy me? Ha, I would be a super saint. But then reality sets in. God has walked with me, and I HAVE stumbled. He has shown me my errors and I have corrected them, but sometimes it was only temporary. I have found myself bargaining with God... if YOU do this... I will do THAT. I am no different than those Jews in the Old Testament... and like them God has given me another chance.

All I ever really wanted...

2006-07-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

So recently I was hired to do my thing, in educational reform. It is exciting and nerve racking all at the same time. You ever feel like you have waited your entire life for a moment and you wonder if it will be all that you hoped it would be? I am at that moment right now... I am tired and drained and staying at my auntie's house which is more than a notion!

I am ready to have my own despite my current limited resources. I have started the PAID training for my job which is a good thing but I really just want my own place. Its hard living out of suitcases despite the hospitality of family... You never want to impose. You still feel like an outsider no matter how large the welcome mat.

The time difference hasn't sunk in quite yet. So you spend sleep hours awake and wake hours wishing you were sleep. Funny how what you thought you wanted... I mean what you truly in you heart of hearts believed was where you wanted to be... Feels even less like home in this very instant than you ever imagined it would be. So part of you anxiously anticipates the fact that the best is yet to come... While the other part of you longs for the creature comforts of yesterday. You sit wondering if you will ever be satisfied as you search for peace

God IS awesome

2006-07-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

So have you ever been in a place where you wondered if God heard a word that you were saying?

I know that I have talked about the idea of faith before, but I have learned that it is in the quiet times that God comes. This particular message is sparked by the sermon I heard LAST Sunday. The pastor at my church is notorious for allowing his new ministers to take the pulpit to hone their craft. He essentially creates a training ground that allows them to do what God has called them to do...

The message last week was entitled, " I Know the Owner." If you know me, you know what an impact music has had on my life. I don't just love music... I live eat and breathe it... and no I am not auditioning to be the next American Idol, but I really do think in music. When I am going through something... I often embrace a song during or after that seems to have described my experience. What is interesting about this particular sermon, is that he gave an example and used music. He described a girl who could sing... I mean really sing and when she sang she didn't get a huge ovation although you could tell she was talented. But this older woman, a mother of the church, nursing her grandson in the front sang a few bars of Amazing Grace... she didn't know the entire song, but when she sang you felt it in your spirit. The church was hollering and rejoicing when she sang. Afterwards the young girl went up to her and asked her what was her secret was, and her reply was simple... "I know the author"

Meaning simply that is was not just a song that she sang it was that she had lived the message. It was the soundtrack of her life. As he closed the message he urged us to PRAISE like we PRAY. Funny how we can call out to GOD in our time of need, in tears, nose running, crying and screaming his name, but once we get our breakthrough... we quietly raise a hand and whisper... a thank you.

THIS IS MY PRAISE... GOD IS GOOD... I GOT MY JOB... and I am moving to the CHI... to change the face of educational REFORM...

Wisdom vs. Being Smart

2006-05-30T05:05:00.000-07:00

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. -Ecclesiastes 2:11

As I was doing my daily conversation with God and his word this morning, the focus was wisdom. I clicked on the additional reading link and came across the passage that you see above. The additional reading was actually the entire chapter, and I read it (smile) but this is what stood out to me...

I have been involved in a lot of different activities in my life. I became an AKA because I had hoped to make an even more profound difference in the lives of others. I became a teacher because I wanted to help shape the future of our children. I got involved with several different community organizations, to simply give back a portion of what was given to me. Joined every ministry at church because I felt I was getting closer to God and the list goes on and on. There were times when I felt, "Why am I doing this?" I would convince myself that it was my destiny.

At 28, I am just now realizing I cannot do it all. It was bound to happen. One organization suffers at the expense of another. Word. I cannot do it all. Imagine that? I always thought I was super woman. I'll do it was always the first thing that came out of my mouth. As this school year comes to a close, I can see myself closing the door behind me softly on life as I have known it. Many years ago, my mom told me the story of Solomon. How he had asked for wisdom over silver and gold. As a result, God granted him wisdom and riches. I began to make that same request of God. You know what I call the OVER ARCHING type of prayer. No need to pray for money, because with wisdom... I can get it. No need to pray for a husband... with wisdom I can get it. I have learned that wisdom unfortunately has a price, but I am willing to pay it.

Check this out... Being smart is having the ability to do something well, perhaps even effectively. Being wise at times requires us to live an experience and AFTER we have gone through it we learn something. Being smart is often pain free. While being wise is at times painful. When I think about one of my friends growing up, she wasn't the smartest kid on the block, but she had what my mom would say, "a lot of sense." If I had to trade straight A's in an honors courseload, or wisdom... I would go for what I believe could take me farther WISDOM everything else is futile.

Why is it hard at times to appreciate all the Lord has done for us?

2006-05-04T05:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all:

I know it has been a minute since I last posted but I came across this question in my morning devotional which can be found at www.crosswalk.com. The devotion actually dealt with making it a point to create traditions within your family of opportunities to praise God for his faithfulness. But this question began to make me think outside that particular realm, because I think that we are all guilty of this.

Consider the relationship that has just ended... the one you gave your heart to, "the one" think of the raw emotions that existed after that break up. How could you? What did I do? What can I do now? To...just wait, you'll get yours (thin line between love and hate) Do we ever reflect in the moment? Do we ever say, thank you God for allowing me to love someone and for however long or briefly to feel that in return? Do we ever consider the lesson that the other person was sent from God to teach? Perhaps it was the way you should be treated. (They may emulate that or be the opposite) Only to have you set standards. Maybe it was to mirror your flaws. What you despise in yourself, you hate 10x more in someone else. Think about it.

What about when you were planning to go to college and things didn't fall into place. Financial Aid hassle (HBCU or PWI the struggle is still the same), plan ticket cost too high? Or just no money right now to make it happen? What did you do then? Did you wallow in not going to your first choice? Or did GOD open your eyes to seeing opportunities all around you?

As a teacher, I see even more the importance of the relationships that students have with parents. So many of my students are needy. Girls just as much as boys, but sometimes the boys seem EXTRA needy. It becomes apparent quickly that these kids don't necessarily have anyone in their corner. Many have material things but no guidance. It is in those moments that I thank GOD for the parents I have. My mom kept me grounded spiritually and she has always been my greatest cheerleader. My dad with all his faults helped me build a Teflon shell around myself that at times is a hindrance but has also worked for the good.

I could go on and on, but a blog can only be so long. The intent of this particular entry was not to preach, but to make you think. That blue funk can't last always. I have had it...you probably have too! But when I think about all the mercies that were shown to me... all I can say is Thank you.

Easter's meaning

2006-04-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of years I have become somewhat disenchanted with the traditional holiday season. In all actuality a blue funk begins somewhere between November 15 and rides on out right after the first of the year. People are lucky to even get a phone call let alone a personal visit during that time. Perhaps, because my birthday is in January and I feel as though it is always a NEW beginning the blue haze slowly begins to dissapate. I am over getting expensive gifts for people just to see the thrill on their face... in fact I have an artsy crafty Soror who I secretly envy because of her ability to take NOTHING and turn it into something... but I digress.

Easter, has always been a special time for me. I grew up in Christian school, went to public jr. high and high school, only to graduate from the largest Catholic University in the Country for Undergrad, and an equally over priced Catholic school for grad school. As a kid, I knew the strory, but was more impressed by my easter basket, my solid chocalate rabbit, those great big fudge walnut filled eggs, and the easter egg hunt. The hunt where I would bring home those little plastic eggs filled with treats(if the treats made it home) and a lot of boiled eggs that were colored(too bad I hated boiled eggs, that was cool... my dad would eat them) However as an adult and further a long in my christian walk, it is at that time that I am reminded once again that Jesus, didn't have to do what he did, but he did it anyhow. Throughout the year I think about how I recieved a gift before I was even concieved. That Jesus died for my sins (yours too) and that whatever I may be going through... Jesus had it worse. Think about it for a minute aside from the trip to calvary to save a wretch, like you and me... he had a lot to contend with. There were haters (Pharisees and Sadducees) PS: his own people, the devil (probably not as big a threat to him as he is to us), the pressure of doing things the way God through prophets had foretold, the nayesayers, dealing with those too ignorant to see the big picture, having to train a group prior to his ascencion and some of those strong personalities ever so present. I mean he had a lot on his plate. Surely, now that I finished grad school I can balance a job, family, friends, organizational comittments, and community!

When I compare my to do list to the one of Jesus I realize that like Jesus, God never gives us any more than we can handle. While I carry my own burdens I am learning more and more that God is capable of doing more than I could have ever imagined. All I have to do is trust God. So while I celebrate the resurrection of Christ today, getting crunk in my choir, I am reminded of the notion...That's Love.

Listening Hard for God....

2006-03-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

I have become a busy person. I used to say that it was a good busy because I was helping to change the world, making a difference, but even that has begun to lose it's joy. As I did my devotion this morning I was reminded of a song that was sang at church a few years ago... I don't remember the name or even the entire song, except that it's premise was about God missing his time with you... Your so busy, doing God's work that you put him on the back burner. I started to wonder if that was who I had become. Surely not I? And two years later, I am happy to say I don't think that is me.

But I have become somewhat cynical, even more so these days. I am coming to a close on my not so detailed 5 year plan. Which means I am ready to move on. I am a classroom teacher, which I knew when I walked across that graduation stage, I had no intentions of being for 30 years. I have prided myself in having some sort of direction to my life plans even if things didn't always go my way. I have another degree under my belt and now I have the classroom experience to make the masters degree work in the realm of educational reform. When I tell you in November, I was in the words of Wanda from Living Color, "Red, to go!" Believe that. Over the last 28 years and 2 months :) I have had a decent relationship with God. Yes, there have been times that he and I have not seen eye to eye, but I have come to the realization that things move according to his plans... but he always plants a seed.

Yesterday, I had one of those let me listen to Gospel music on the way to work and cry my eyes out, before you pity me understand that with tears come clarity for me. I know all of the key scriptures... Ask and ye shall find... Cast your burdens... My yoke is easy... etc. A few weeks ago I got an ego blow in that I didn't get the job that really wanted. Get over it self! Right? Wrong. For a minute I wasn't able to let it go, but I have now. Over the last 5 months, what began as tweaking my resume has become a second unpaid gig. I spend at least one hour a day searching for different career opportunities. In all of my job research I have come to one startling conclusion, which I probably knew was coming... I am going back to school. I am still researching programs but I know what I am passionate about, and I know I am going but I have come to the two forks that Frost describes in "The Road Not Taken" nursing which is completely out of the box...(but a lucrative box nonetheless) or a Ph.D program with some sort of emphasis in Urban Education. As I watch the loan payment increase expotentially with a sigh.

Which brings me to the title of this entry... Listening Hard for God. I am always careful because I can get a head of myself as it pertains to God's vision of a specific situation. I want it... so I am sure that God wants it for me... not always the case. Today, I sit awaiting confirmation on so many different things in my life and I have wondered, if that has ever happened to you? My Mom used to always say...Study to be quiet. That was odd to me growing up... how do you study? But it is in quiet that peace comes and that God's plan for you is revealed. So now... I sit quietly... waiting

Friends... How many of us have them...

2006-03-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

That's What Friends are For
And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remembered smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Well you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

As you know I love modern technology. From my cell phone to my sidekick to my laptop I am able to get in contact with the people I love at moments notice. I was checked by a Soror a few months ago who shared with me that we don't talk like we used to... I thought to myself what is she talking about? I talk to her dayum near every day! Via instant messenger.

But you know what? That is not the same as human interaction. She's right. In all the hustle and bustle of life... I forgot to call. Unfortunately, she isn't the only one that has experienced the digital me...and I am sittin here really considering friendship and all that it means to me.
When you are a friend of mine... it is usually for life. We have connected in some sort of way... for whatever reason... perhaps it was through school, work, a significant other, a relationship that should have been nothing more than friends to begin with, sorority, community events or just because. The unraveling of my friendships I have learned has been as a result of often times just simply losing touch.

This entry is dedicated to those who I have loved and continue to love and respect. I have learned that true friendship stands the test of time.

The elements for becoming a friend may have changed over the years. Elementary school, being who had the flyest Converse or Guess jeans. Junior High, who was the most down for whatever. High school, who can dance like me... better than me made you a friend...and we probably did a talent show or two. Then it was what can you do for me... you got a car the at we can ditch with... you must be cool people! College... first time a way from home, word your not from here either? These people in VA are crazy. Are you from New York? Tri-State Area? When I went to school in the Chi friends became... so you want to pledge?

As an adult my friendships have become shaped by people with common interest. So you teach also? Hmmm committed to community? Down for the cause? So can you dance? What church do you go to?

Despite the evolution of friendship criteria... one thing remains the same regardless if I talk to you every day, once a month, twice a year... it seems as though we can always pick up where we left off.

I have been blessed to have some of the most unique friends. There are those who due to time and loyalty have just always been there and I will ALWAYS be there for.

You know the friend that calls you just to say what's up and asks about the family? The one who rushed you to the hospital and stayed with you because you were scared to be alone. There are those who have seen the best and worst of you and despite that love you anyway. The ones who have seen you cry when the world thought that you were so strong. The friend that held your hair back while you "released" when you had kicked it too hard at the club. The one who drove your car to keep you from getting pulled over. The one who you covered for with her mom and she did the same for you. The one you cried with when she learned that she was pregnant and we were still in school. The one who never hesitates to tell you how proud she is of who you have become despite the fact that our lives have gone different directions. The one who was there to share wisdom when he broke your heart. The one that should have been the love of your life if you weren't so stubborn and he wasn't so slow. The ones who God brought into your life and forged a bond that nothing will ever break. The one who's wedding you cried in. The one that you laughed with. The one that you club hopped with like you were young again. The one that you shared your darkest secrets and your greatest dreams with. The one who messed up you hair but you loved anyway. The one who never left your dorm room because she didn't have a place to stay. The ones who made sure they were there when you walked across that stage, to cop that degree... B.A. and the M.A.

This is to each friend that I have known that has made a difference in my life... keep smiling... keep shining...

Hope...

2006-03-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

"and hope doesn't disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. " Rom 5:5

Yes today is a new day, and although I am disappointed I can feel God's love surrounding me. This bible verse believe it or not just came to me and I had to google it because I couldn't remember exactly where I had heard it. Even as I type I am feeling regenerated. Despite the fact that every couple of words my computer appears to be freezing up. IF there are typos in this forgive the English teacher, as it was not my my intent.

Despite, everything GOD is still good. I have thought about the fact that I could have been less than honest during this process with everyone involved. From my principal to the organization that I interviewed with but in the end, if it is not where God wanted me to be... he wasn't going to let me go there. I thought that it was all so right, but I am reminded of the fact that God will never leave me or forsake me. New Haven, CT would have been uncharted territory and I believed that I was up for the task. Educational reform is my passion and t the heart of me I know that is where my life's work is going to be found. The job would have taken me out of the classroom and allowed me to work more with the policy side and finding people with the same passion for educating children of color that I have.

Regardless of what I am feeling right now... I know that God will work it out...

He hasn't let me down yet...

My negative feelings have subsided for the most part... I no longer hope the organization goes bankrupt or that fraud forces it to lose it's nonprofit status. I still haven't responded to the rejection email, but I will by the end of this week. I just need to be in the right mindset...

Be blessed.

Disappointment

2006-02-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

So about an hour ago... I learned that my dream job will not be mine. I am reminded that when God closes a door he opens a window, so I am not stressing about it... What is meant to be will be.

Let me bring you up to date... An organization which will remain nameless seemed to be extremely interested in what I had to offer. I had an excellent phone interview, and the follow up in person went pretty well. I have analyzed what I said, what I could have done to no end and the rejection came today.

Talk about bein deflated! The job was on the cutting edge of educational reform, and I am just reminded how far San Diego is behind the curve. This is home, but I had hoped to be able to bring some of that home one day. But alas, it won't be that reform and it won't be right now...

What do you bring to the table?

2006-02-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

Last month at my local Urban League Young Professional meeting we had a speaker who had us take an honest assessment of who we were and it got me thinking about what Rhonda is good at. I urge you to do the same...In my own humble opinion, I think that we can be our worst critics. In 2006, I am committing myself to love me more and to give myself props (circa 1990's) even if no one else does. But in true me fashion I have to keep it real... the good and the bad

Rhonda is:
Spiritual-my religious background keeps me sane. Trust that if it hadn't been for God on multiple levels not only would I might not be here... there are a few people I know that would have been "Sleeping with the fishes."
Dedicated
Loyal
Blunt, meaning that I speak my mind
Caring-even when I am blunt I consider the feelings of another
Committed to the community- I hear people all the time talk about how down they are for the black race as if it is something that shouldn't be expected. I have learned to not judge people based on my own moral thermometer, but are you serious... when you won't go into the hood to help those who need you the most. Church shouldn't be the only time when you interact with people who look like you. Just because you are now making six figures... don't forget from whence you came... Perhaps you were born into money, does that exempt you from helping other arrive to where you are? I can see now that this warrants its own blog entry. So I will leave it at that.

Bad:
Sarcastic- Either you love me or hate me... there is rarely lukewarm
Short tempered- with kids I have a lot of patience... with people who are adults... it is short lived

That is pretty much it for my flaws... give me a minute... naw that's it. :)

Think about it truly. What are you doing to make sure that the world is a better place. If your not doing anything...

WHY?-Jadakiss

God Speaks...

2006-02-18T03:30:00.000-08:00

This one you must maintain an open mind for...if your not ready then put off reading this message for another day. The purpose of this particular entry is to provide you with more questions than answers. It is my humble belief that you must begin to question where you are before you can move or change. Willful change occurs as a result of curiousity.

At now 28, I have come to the conclusion that one of the greatest challenges in my spiritual walk is my faith. The second comes from a song that we used to sing at my Christian elementary school that had a line in it that went like this..."and they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they will know we are Christians by our love." I worry every time I say a smart comment maybe slip up and curse every now and then about the face that the world sees. I know that if I profess to be a strong woman of God, all eyes are on me to truly be that. If I slip up, I have at times felt like I was an angel falling from grace and SOMETIMES there were people in my life that truly wanted that to happen... but I digress.

Before I get to the meat of this discussion, I want you to understand that I am not part of the bible toting far right. Not that I have a problem with the bible toting part but the closer I get in my Christian relationship the more I realize that I cannot judge. I will discuss my position on various issues from time to time on this blog, but the focus of today's message is truly faith.
What inspired this particular topic was my latest obsession which is the Left Behind Series by LaHaye and Jenkins. Currently on book four and it quenches the part of me that is all English teacher who enjoys a good read and a fictional interpretation of my favorite book in the Bible, Revelations.

Before I get started I have a few questions for you:

Do you believe that God still speaks to people? If your answer is yes, how does he do that?
Has he ever spoke to you? How did you know it was him?

Hollywood has many different interpretations of the deity known as God. And while some bear a closer resemblence to God, I urge you to find out for yourself. I accept hollywood as a means to spark someone's curiousity, but I often worry when people truly believe that the God described in movies is all there is. Nevertheless, let's take a quick look at some of the stories in the Bible where God clearly speaks and how it is done.

Genesis 3:8-19 This is the section of Genesis where the fall of man is described. I wish I had a better grasp for inserting links into what I am trying to accomplish, but I guess I have been sheltered thanks to AOL. What occurs in this particular passage is that Adam and Eve have eaten from the tree of life and have had their eyes open. God walks through the garden and is actually calling to them, asking them Where are you? Can you imagine God walking up to you and speaking to you? They are hiding because they now know that they are naked. God questions Adam and he immediately blames Eve, while Eve blames the serpent for her insurrection. Each of them is cursed into the existence that we call life today. Childbirth pains and having to work for a living being the most significant. In that brief moment things changed.

Later in Genesis we see several stories of God speaking. To Noah, who is called to create an Ark that will house himself, his immediate family and their spouses, as well as, 2 of EVERY kind of animal during the great flood. Abram in Gen. 12:2-3 I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. Later God renames Abram, Abraham which means exalted father. It is through the line of Abraham that Jesus comes. He comes through dreams, face to face meetings, and visions. He also sends people to speak to his intended recipient to get his point across. He continues to do this throughout the Bible.

In the new testament Jesus comes and speaks and when he departs from the earth we are left with the Holy Spirit who I believe to this day continues to speak.

This is where faith comes in. Have you ever heard that small voice that told you do something and once you did you were better off as a result? The difficulty is two fold, hearing the small voice maybe difficult if you aren't listening and the other is following the directions when they come even if it may not be comfortable. I can recall countless times in my life when I have had heard that voice and ignored it. Thinking to myself, I may have just misunderstood the message. As I type, I sit convicted knowing that I have an aunt that I was told to make amends with over a week ago and I have not yet done so.

For me, God has spoken at times as a result of prayer. But more often than not he has whispered to me when I wasn't looking for his guidance. That is the eerie part. Growing up in an extremely spiritual household very little for lack of better phrase, weirds me out. But nevertheless, I have been guilty of questioning myself which is normal but also I have been guilty questioning God. Are you sure about that?

Right now, I am trusting in God to make all of my footsteps firm. When he shows you a way out do it the first time. You may not have a second chance. I have learned above all else he wants what is best for me and if for some reason what I have begun to salivate over (a new car, clothes, homes, jobs, that fine brotha that said hello at the airport) is not for me I will learn to accept it and trust that he can work it out.

Love is...

2006-02-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

As we get ready to prepare for Valentine's Day... I began to consider the meaning of love. What is it? Have I ever known it? Do I want to live without it? Think of the different types of love that we experience in our lifetime... significant other love, child's love, parental love, family love and the list could go on and on.

I think to all the songs that have been written about love. What it makes you feel... what life is like when it's gone... Hallmark and the like make a great deal off of the day that is supposed to show the world how much you love someone. Some prefer the traditional card and chocolates, others prefer theirs drenched in diamonds, still others simply need to hear the words I love you. To make it all worth it.

When I was in Elementary school, Ms. Giles my day care teacher made us memorize
1. Corinthians 13:4-8a. For those of you concerned with a separation between church and state, I attended Christian school so this wasn't some zealot teacher trying to change the world by sharing the word of God. When I sit and think of the people who I have cared about I often compare the biblical definition of love to what I experienced with that individual. Here is the passage for those who don't have Bible handy :)

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.

Can you imagine? Loving someone or knowing a love like that? It is what I call love perfectus. Hehe, okay so I don't have a degree in Latin. But essentially I am saying that the love described is PERFECT LOVE.

One of my readings today argued that it is not a feeling. In fact love is a committment. I didn't really see the difference initially, but then I started to think about it. I mean we have all had butterflies when we thought about that special someone, but love goes beyond that. It says, that I will be patient and kind. Now think about the last time your significant other pissed you off. He forgot your birthday, bought the ice cream he liked but you hated, or didn't notice the haircut you just spent 100 bucks on. Maybe, it was the fact that she bought tickets to see the Blueman Group the same night as the NBA playoffs, perhaps it was the fact that she used your razor when you know she has that one with aloe vera strip she could have used and didn't clean it out, it may have been the time that she tried to fix something broken and not only made the matter worse, but lost your favorite tool. Were you kind and patient then?

What about he envy, boasting, or proud part? Remember the check that your mom sent you to get you through the month, that he called you spoiled about? Remember your reaction when she told you she got a raise and thought that you would be happy for her, and you mumbled something like a congratulations? Where was the love?

Think back to all those relationships that you gave more than you received. Or the time when you dated someone based on their potential rather than what you really felt for them. You saw the dollar signs in the finance major. You peeked at that A+ credit and began to think about your dream house and a new car! Love is NOT self seeking. It is something that is shared. That means that it isn't about me.. it's about us.

Consider for a moment when someone ticked you off and you immediatly responded with a negative word or emotion. This was the person that you love. I think about how quick kids can tick you off. They make mistakes and they are new to them. They are learning. My nieces are pieces of work. The oldest is 4 going on 40 and she does some stuff that really irks me... but she is a child. I have to sometimes stop myself when getting ready to respond to something that she has done. Love is not easily angered... but as people sometimes we are.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. That's a good one! Remember that time when it was my birthday and you forgot to call. The time when I cooked for two hours expecting you home at 6 and you didn't come home until 930? Or the time when the kids were hoping that you would take them to the ball game but you said you were too tired... Too many times we say I forgive you but maintain a tally of failures. Remember that Dianna Ross Barbie doll that your sister stole the rhinestone earrings out of? Your favorite shirt that came back with a bleach stain? There is some truth to the belief that you must forgive and FORGET. Perhaps that originator of that knew the WORD.

It does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always hopes and always perseveres... LOVE NEVER fails...

To date, the only love I have known like this is God's love. If we are all made in his image I know that it is possible to know love like this from the man that God sends me. We are human and subject to short comings but I dream of the man that can be all that God wants him to be... and all that I need... to get by...

Again...

2006-02-11T04:34:00.000-08:00

If I had to do it all again...
I wouldn't take away the rain
Cuz, I know it made me who I am
If I had to do it all again
I've learned so much from my mistakes
That's how I know he's watching me...

Looking Back at the Past

2006-02-09T05:40:00.000-08:00

I start my morning off with a Bible devotion. Sometimes I am moved to look at specific passages and seek understanding to how they relate to me, and why God put them on my heart. I also go to a couple of different websites that provide quick devotionals and give me something to think about.

Today, I read one about Remembering the Past. I can recall a time when I used to dwell in that place of could've been. With recently learning that one of my first loves is now married, I think I can stop looking back over my should at what used to be. The devotion said to be wary of the the devil's schemes. How often do we look back and remember fondly situations that didn't quite go down like that. It's kind of like Frey's novel A Million Pieces that is getting people all outraged. We remember what we want to remember.

When I think back to my ex, Mike we were both really young (18). It was my first year away from home and I was doing my own thing. He was probably the most beautiful person I had ever known, outwardly. He was fine. Part of my own insecurities wondered how I got someone like him. I didn't even recognize my own beauty back then. While I am not going to post any pictures of myself on this blog, I am cute :) I have now become comfortable in my own skin. But Mike had his own issues and demons that he had to deal with. Growing up biracial sometimes I think he had to prove how down he was. With a black mom and a white dad I can't imagine some of the things that used to go through his head. I remember crying for him when he couldn't be all that I wanted him to be, for me, for us.

Looking back though, I was seeing it with rose colored glasses. What if? Ha, there was a time when I didn't speak to him for about 2 weeks or so. No real explanation... just a disconnect. There were the times when we were supposed to go out and he pretty much stood me up. He was who he was, and no one can walk all over you unless you allow them to. It wasn't that bad, but know that it wasn't great

Fast forward to 2003, the beginning of grad school. He has dropped out of college to be an engineer and now he is in the Marines. He comes within 120 miles of my house and so I have to go see him... see if any feelings are still there... check and see if he is worth it. He is in a different place, happy, outward displays of affection, the works and then I go home wondering if the one I love has finally come around! I start practicing signing my name to ish with his last name, all dumb stuff we do. Within a week, he is the same Mike. The chasm between us seeming larger than ever. He was in AZ on Marine business and couldn't talk to me as often as I would like. Instead of saying that, he would just say nothing. Let weeks, days, hours go by without anything. That had been the problem the first time around.

In an instant, I realized I didn't really know dude. Never had and probably never would. It is a shame... I wish him nothing but the best... I heard his wife is on crack! He grew up with drama and relished it. I do my best to address and issue and then let it go... he and I would have never worked out...

Man's rejection is God's protection...

How well do you ever really know someone?

2006-02-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Right now I have a class speaker who is providing my students with life skills... and it just got me to thinking.

I have a friend who I will call Derrick. Derrick seems to be in a loveless marriage. He says he feels as though he moved to fast. Keep in mind that he dated his wife for almost five years prior to their marriage. When he told me that, all I could say was word? I mean my pastor at church knew his wife for 6 weeks from meeting to marriage and they are still together after 30 plus years. I have always had this dream of the man of my dreams knocking me right off my feet. No worries, no past, nothing that would keep our love from being as pure as possible. He is this awesome man of God who understands my passion for the community and solving social ills and is ready to do what it takes to help to make the world a better place.

At 28, I am hopeful that he exists and that more importantly his is not someone in my past. I don't know that he isn't someone I am looking at right now, but I can't say.

If he is man that God has sent FOR me and only me... I don't think it will take five years to figure it out. I hope that he sees me and realizes that I am the blessing that he was destined to share dreams with, love without bounds, and build a family with.

Until that day... I wait.

Teaching ain't easy.

2006-02-07T06:03:00.000-08:00

As you know I am a teacher. I take my job and my career extremely seriously. Children are variables and I guess we all are. I am extremely spiritual and intuitive and I can pick up on a lot of the pain of my students. Sometimes I let them know and other times I allow them to come to me. I teach high school and many of my students struggle with issues of sexuality. Girls come to me crying... how could he... he said... I can't believe... why me?

You can infer the meaning of where I am taking this...

The problem is that sex was never a problem for me in high school. I was focused on school and didn't really give boys that kind of power. I know how I was about just kissing someone... I was in LOVE. So what kind of warped mind would I have been with all of those emotions running rampant through me in high school if I made them more complex by bringing sex into the equation.

Fast forward to a student I will call Shaunie. Her mother is an alcoholic/past drug abuser/possibly current. She is the youngest of 4 children. She is her mother's only girl. Long story short she takes on a lot of what is going on at home because she feels that she has to. I am the child of an alcoholic but I thank God it wasn't my mother. However, my dad warped me enough for me to understand my issues with relationships :) But this isn't about me. Yesterday, I was setting up the classroom for a new seating chart.

Shaunie and another girl proceed to cuss a young man out and tell him to shut up. I told them both to shut up. I am trying to get something done here. Not the most grown up response but I was cramped for time and I am real sick of this kid dominating with her bullying ways. I realize that she is acting out, but when is enough, enough? She said, "Who are you talking to?" Her sidekick bowed out of the conversation, she knew better. But not Shaunie. I replied, "I am talking to you!" I raised my voice a little but still not yelling. In an instant I had already decided I was sending her to the office. She said, "Kick me out then just like you did Friday" That will be a whole other post later. I said, "Bye" oh about 5 times as she walked out my classroom she said "Whatever, your nothing to me." and in one split instant knowing that it would jab I said, "You've been nothing to me" and she walked out.

Teachers are people too. Five years into the game I have taken off my rose colored glasses and come to the conclusion that I will never reach all of the students I work with. At best, I will reach 50% and statistically that is not really in my favor. This morning, I had to say a prayer. One for forgiveness for my actions, and another one for Shauniee. I pray that God heals her pain, and gives her something positive to hold on to. She has already decided that sex may be a way out, but I pray that she stops on that road before something irreversable happens...

Who said teaching was easy?

It's been a minute... I love modern technology!

2006-01-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, so one of my new year's resolutions was to use this more as a tool to vent, to praise, to learn and to basically just let go on. Too bad, for the life of me I could not remember my password or SCREEN NAME. I didn't give it much thought until today when I couldn't fight the urge... I had to post.

This one is dedicated to myspace.com

As you know I am an educator, and a nosey one at that teaching some of the "finest" students in all of southern California. To make a long story short a friend of mine called me an hipped me to all the people we went to high school with that had their own page.

Let me give you a little background information. Last June was my 10 year high school reunion. I didn't go to the festivities but I did go to the happy hour the night before. I went, and people really didn't recognize me. Granted, in 1995, I was inspired by TLC stayed in the boots with baggy jeans, suspenders, fitted shirts and I came in with a peasant skirt, wedges and a tank top, but I didn't think I looked that different. My hair was down and back then it was always in a ponytail or a bun, but things hadn't changed that much

I realized in an instant that these people don't know me now and really didn't know me then. The people that I wanted to maintain contact with, I still do to this day. I went to a school where in a class of 465 seniors only 25 of us were black, and of those 25 only 4 of them were boys. I had friends of every nationality imaginable from every walk of life. I remember when I believed that those were days... when wearing the latest, who was dating who, who was giving it up, and where were you going to college really defined me. I started the year thinking, I have to get right so that I wow them when I walk in to my reunion. Please. In the end I had a community service project that I was doing with one of my other groups and opted to do that rather than mob up to the Hyatt and see these people again.

Fast forward to myspace.com. I set up an account so that I could view more of the profiles of my students, and stumbled across people that I went to high school with. Some people are doing their thing. Married, children, owning homes, sitting on college degrees, awesome careers etc. Some people seem to spend so much time on myspace, that I wonder how they even have jobs? I have reunited with a few people that I lost contact with that I probably would have never touched had it not been for modern technology.

My favorite has been the men that have "found" me and have professed their undying love...ha, what's your name again? Time changes people. I am perhaps far more cynical than I was 10 years ago. In those years, I have loved, been loved, dealt with the death of someone I loved on more than one occasion, and sat in an ICU while someone I loved held on. I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON. I realize what matters now is the little things that I used to take for granted... myspace has served to put a great number of things into perspective.

Have you ever loved someone so much it makes YOU cry?

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At 27, I think back to all the men that I have ever cared about and I have to say, that I have come a long way baby.

My first boyfriend was Brian Brown. I thought that he was the best thing since sliced bread. He was a 10th grader on the varsity bball team. He was easy to love, I remember how easy it was to love back then. We used to talk out of my bedroom window until my dad caught us and then it was back to our phone calls to each other immediately after school. He could make me laugh and smile. I am glad that I had the chance to know him and to have him in my life. God rest his soul because I found out last year, that he passed away in 2003. We had lost touch in 1995, and I had a premonition about this almost 10 years prior. I forgot all about that until I saw his mother at her job. I was speechless. What do you say? What can you say? I took one look at her and walked out the door.

There was Yusef, I thought he was all I would ever need. What a joke. I loved him at 11 years old again at 17, and dreamed of a future together at 22. Hahaha. Let's do a recap... I met him as a kid and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. His family left and he came back my senior year of high school. I thought, that it was meant to be... and back then he was fine. Time changes emotions and people. At 22, we reunited while I was in college and I thought that it had finally come full circle. He said, he thought I needed to lose weight. As a result I lost about 35lbs, so that was a good thing I suppose, but that was a stab at my ego. He had a chipped tooth and his ass stunk... but I was still trying to see that same cat that I was crazy about in 1995. Needless to say, I hear he is married. He was wack and I learned more about myself and I will never go down that road again.

Parker, lasted about 3 months. Not worth the keystrokes.

Roosevelt, I guess my first grown up boyfriend. I met him at 17 right before my 18th birthday. We lasted about 5 months. I became a colder chick as a result of that relationship. I began to lose trust in men, but I learned about myself that no one can walk all over you unless you lay down and let them. It was cool while it lasted, and as long as I had control, but when it ended I was cool. I exhaled.... ahhhhhh

Then there was Mike. It would take me 6 years to get you out of my system, but it is finally out. Mike was the epitome of a bad boy who wasn't supposed to be. Decent family, financially stable, IVY league bound and he blew it. He is a Marine now, and there was a time when I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. He was beautiful. He had a good heart, but a soul that was burdened. He locked me out and never really let me in. I wonder if I ever really knew him the way that I wanted to. He made me cry. He made me cry perhaps because he could never be what I needed him to be and that was perfect. He was who he was, and he never apologized for that. I wanted more for him and from him than he could ever give. Years later I tried to see if it was still there... if I felt anything for him... and vice versus. It didn't work out... When I think of him, I think of the SATC phrase that became so popular "Maybe he's not that into you." He hasn't returned an email in about a year, I think that is safe to say. Wherever, he is I just hope he is safe.

After Mike, there was Mack. Correction, during Mike there was Mack. Mack and I never went anywhere because he wasn't Mike. We became the best of friends and nothing more. I wonder what could have happened to us, if I had met Mack first. He was a beautiful soul. He was an english major, poetry writing, puffing, station wagon driving kind of guy. I smile even as I write this, because to him, I was beautiful as is. No changes... my hair was perfect even when it was cut by Keisha from my dorm and I hid out for 3 days because I hated it. I was blessed to have had my soul touched by his.

Kamaal, I butted heads with. Battled about everything, but he was special nontheless. He's married now, doing his thing in ATL and I am proud of him. I never thought he would be the one I would marry... Like I said it took me a minute to get Mike out of my system, but Kamaal was special... is special to me.

Chris, husband potential except for the religion thing. There was Mike and Kamaal, both Muslim and were me in a different place in my life, but if you don't have God... I don't know what else to say. I could love him, but given where I am in my spiritual walk... I couldn't see it lasting or even really beginning for that matter. I have known him for over 10 years, I enjoy his company and his sense of humor as well as his mind, but the agnostic part I can't dig it.

Bobby, my twin soul. Too much alike to ever be more than friends. I will always love him for what he brought to my life at a time when I wasn't even REMOTELY trying to let anyone in. He is a wonderful man, and I am proud of him doing his thing in DC. I would expect nothing less from him, and look forward to his continued success.

Everyone else has been a cha-cha. No one that I would want to build a family with. Despite that, each relationship has helped shape me into the person who I am today. I think Faith sang it best "If I had to do it all again... I wouldn't take away the rain cause I know it made me who I am" The rain and the sunshine was all worth it. Now, I can say that I have loved and been loved by some of the most unique individuals I have ever met... I will love again, someday, and because of these men... I will know how to love him when he comes

Thoughts of Marriage

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WHY MEN MARRY...

People get married in the hope of improving their life. No one marries to sacrifice for the other person. People marry because somehow they believe it makes life better for themselves. Once you understand thisbasic rule, you can start to understand why a man wants to marry and why he doesn't. Start by taking a close look at yourself. How wouldyou make a man's life easier? Happier? Healthier? More fun? How would being married to you make me feel better about himself? How would itimprove how his family and friends see him? How would being married toyou improve his life? Allow him more fun in his life? Make a list. Be very honest. Will marrying you give him something he needs and wants -but doesn't have right now? Men only marry if they believe it will make their life better.

They do not marry because they want to sacrifice their pleasure or give up their joy for you. A man who sees marriage as burdensome, hard, upsetting, or painful ! will avoid marrying.It has little to do with love. A person may love you, but avoid marrying you (or anybody else) if they somehow believe life with youwill be difficult. For some men, single life just is better - and nothing will sway them. They may like women, but they don't need them.

Move on.

You can't change this type of man. A man must feel he is 'getting' something by marrying you - a feeling, a reward, a purpose,comfort, thrills, whatever. You have to learn how to push a man'spleasure buttons. If you can figure out what constitutes pleasure andmeaning to him, then you can begin to understand why he would marry.Is pleasure for him having a family? A beautiful wife other guys willenvy? A helper and emotional support? A best friend for life? Would helove not having to worry about cooking and cleaning? Does he need help financially? Does he need a woman to baby him? Be his partner? Help him straighten himself out? Is he looking for a woman to have a blast with or a woman to take care of?

Does he want a woman he has to work for and please?Years ago, men often married for ***. It didn't come so easily, and this motivated them. The prospect of unlimited *** propelled many a man into marrying. *** meant pleasure, which humans crave. Humans willput themselves in terrible - even dangerous - situations at theprospect of great pleasure. Today, men can have this without marrying. A woman must now understand the other reasons a man marries. Every manhas his own agenda. It is your job to figure out what the man you wantwants. As you begin to understand his needs, ask yourself if you canfill or even want to fill these needs. Be honest. If you see his needsdon't match what you are willing to give, say goodbye.

For him to give you what you want, he must get what he wants, and vice versa. If youcan meet his needs, hurray for you. But be careful: if you think itwill change after you marry, it won't. If you meet his needs no w, anddeny them later, you are in for trouble. Try to join forces with a manwho has needs you don't mind fulfilling.

Again:you must feel okay with filling the needs he has. If filling those needs doesn't feel right to you, say goodbye. To understand whatneeds you can fill, look at your relationships and roles among friendsand family. Are you a caretaker who enjoys being Mama to others? Thena man looking for a mother will suit you. Or are you used to beingpampered and adored in the family? Then you may want a man who islooking to take care of someone.

Are you a fascinating conversationalist full of ideas? Then you need a man who values andneeds intellectual stimulation and companionship. Do you enjoy working out, looking beautiful, dressing nicely? Then you may want a man who prides himself on having a beautiful woman by his side! Are you aperson who wants total togetherness or freedom? You see, nothing is inherently wrong with needs. We so quickly judge wh at a person needs,but rather than judging, we should acknowledge our own needs and our ability to fill another person's needs! . Here is another example. Are you a strong woman, full of opinions, and yet you consistently are drawn toward arrogant men who want a rather compliant women?
No wonderthey leave you.

Here is a mismatch of needs. Or are you a very bright,talkative woman who lives for good conversation, who is drawn to men who are not verbally oriented? Mismatch again. If you want a particular man, don't discount or judge his needs. Okay, so bugging you to grow your nails seems so, well, shallow. 'He should love me for me' you insist. Yes, yes, and there should be world peace. There are some realities we can't escape from. If he values nice nails, being ont ime, nylons with no runs, then either meet his needs or get out of the relationship.Those are your only two choices. If you refuse to meet his needs,eventually he will find someone who will. Nature abhors a vacuum.Humans will go only so long with their needs unmet. Once a lady withlong nails comes along, he will be gone. A person can't go against their internal coding system.

If you fight a lot with your boyfriend,it is no wonder he is weary to get married. Everywhere we look are divorce horror stories. No one knowingly wants to set themselves upfor a life of fighting, hassle and trouble. If you fight a lot, he will believe you are just not right for each other. "But" you say "we love each other. Every couple fights." You may understand that -- but he won't. Every time you fight, you are giving him the message thatbeing with you equals pain. He doesn't forget the fight as easily as you do.

Women don't take fights as seriously - we tend to look at thebig picture. For men, fighting is huge. If you fight with him,expect him to even! tually leave you. In meeting his needs, you haveto avoid what he considers pain. We have mentioned fighting, but itcould also be little thin gs you consider shallow or petty. Meet hispleasure needs. Men like pleasure. They like fun. They look to theirrelationship to give them a break from the rigors of work. They do notenter marriage because they expect life with you to be dull, rigid andfull of hard work.

They marry you because it seems like you would be a

total blast to spend their life with. Does he enjoy outdoor sports?Begin to enjoy them too.Or do you spend your time together doing the same old thing week afterweek? Wearing the same old clothes....complaining and whining aboutthe same old things. People like people who make their life fun, this goes for men and women. We like people who make us smile and laugh,who help us forget our troubles, who share our interests and passions.Life is hard enough without a relationship being hard too.

To conclude, begin to think of what you need in a relationship - and whatkind of a man has needs you are able and willing to fill. Ask yourself: Am I fun to be with? Am I difficult, critical, picky? Do I give my boyfriend pain or pleasure?....

So as I read this post that I received from my Sorority listserv, I began to think about the phases of marriage that I have gone through. Most girls, dream of the day that they will meet their soul mate, the person that completes them... hahaha and this is just a snapshot of what I envisioned.

Age 12-13, I don't want to get married. I want to have kids. Keep in mind "Look Who's Talking" had just recently come out and I saw how "Rebecca" from Cheers, held it down by herself. Of course there was a John Travolta waiting in the wings, but I wanted nothing more than to be an accountant, dress fly in power suits, and have some kids. Things change.

About ninth grade, I began to think about getting married right out of college. Beginning a family at 25, and being finished having my four kids by age 32. Guess what, I am 27 and not yet married.

When I was 23, my younger sister had her first child. I had a degree in education and was beginning my career. I saw the struggle that she had to endure, and realized that single motherhood is too hard. She has since had my second neice and been divorced from their father... she works like hell. I admire her... but I couldn't be her.

I read the post several times to make sure that I understood all that it said. I remember believing that I had to be this superwoman. My mom always said get your education, so that you don't have to depend on any man. Get yours, and while I agree with that statement, I think at times I may have been too strong. I can do it my self was my mantra, and it still is but there is a part of me that believes I shut many a man down because in the back of my mind there was a fear that it may not last long...and I would have to do it by myself.

For a long time, I was attracted to the pretty boy type... a part of me still is, but I need more than your good looks. Those looks fade, and when I say that I mean it figuratively. After looking at a pretty "rock" for so long it begins to lose it's shine. Especially, when that is all that the rock can do, is look pretty. I prefer brains, and a strong work ethic. I enjoy men who are committed to the community and building a future for not just themselves but others as well. The question that this post brings to mind... what am I willing to do for another person... when I learned that, I know that it will open the door to many more of the answers I seek.

Just the Beginning

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This is where I can allow my voice to shine through. Thank you for checking out my blog. My hope is that in some small way this will have an impact on who you are, and what you want to accomplish in the world.

Peace and blessings,

Understand?